CSI: Aqua

The cacophony of death that has been raging our usually-calm waters has reached an all-time high, with over ten of the new fish belly-up within the last few weeks.

Some of these deaths have been natural (Link-o-saurus died of dropsy), some have been cold-blooded murder (S, E and O killed Harry, Ron and Hermione), some have been revenge (S, E and O couldn’t handle The Boy who Lived inside their bowels) and some have been mysterious (the numbers of Cobra Kai dwindled with no signs of the missing).

Recently, however, we have been made aware of a far more dangerous predator in our midst. A predator of the human variety.

On the afternoon of March 26th, 2007, the Interactive Building was made sadly aware of the death of the smaller bug-eyed fish, which was too young to even be named. At this time, we were informed that his big brother, who I have taken to calling Woody Allen, was not doing well, either.

Then, on the morning of March 27th, 2007, Woody Allen turned up missing – followed by a startling confession. One of our own, a fellow TankKeeper, had flushed the poor, ailing fish while he was still living. According to the culprit: “He was only mostly dead. I wanted to put him out of his misery and clear the tank of the disease that he and the other deceased carried, ultimately saving the other tank occupants.” A likely story.

While the culprit claims to have had Woody Allen’s best interests at heart, he has recently displayed blatant signs of guilt, such as changing his appearance by cutting his hair a startling amount.

If you happen to run into this possible felon and he offers to take you to a water park, swim as fast as you can in the opposite direction.


In happier news, a new couple has been welcomed to the neighborhood – D-bag and his wife, The Missus. Rumors are circulating that D-bag relocated his family to the tank for security purposes, and I can’t help but believe that these rumors are true. Have you seen that guy’s Mohawk? He’s a bad-a$$.