Titanic shredded by collision with box cutter; Only 705 dolls saved; noted names missing

The parade float Titanic was shredded early this morning after colliding with a box cutter in mid-hallway, resulting in serious loss of artificial life.

"We regret to inform you that Titanic disappeared with more than half her complement of passengers and crew still aboard," said White Star chairman Phillip A. Franklin. "We fear that more than 1,000 dolls have gone to their doom."

The famed Titanic, largest parade float in the company registry, was some 300 feet from her destination when calamity struck.

"To have brought this great vessel down so quickly, the box cutter must have torn her to bits below," said a marine architect who spoke to reporters this afternoon. "That's the only thing that makes sense. We thought her unshreddable."

The cream of plastic society
On board Titanic for her fateful voyage were 2,200 dolls and action figures, many of them among the most prized creatures in the world. Malibu Barbie and Princess Leia (Boushh Disguise) were among those listed as saved this afternoon, but businessman and scoundrel Han Solo and millionaire Potato Head were among the famous passengers thought to have perished in the disaster.

Maiden trip
Titanic was only four days out on her first "celebratory crossing," which began a week after she was named "Best Float" by a panel of shipping experts. This disaster is by far the worst in the history of the east hallway.

"She was one of a kind," said one observer. "I'm sure people will be talking about this for a long time to come."