CSI: Aqua

The cacophony of death that has been raging our usually-calm waters has reached an all-time high, with over ten of the new fish belly-up within the last few weeks.

Some of these deaths have been natural (Link-o-saurus died of dropsy), some have been cold-blooded murder (S, E and O killed Harry, Ron and Hermione), some have been revenge (S, E and O couldn’t handle The Boy who Lived inside their bowels) and some have been mysterious (the numbers of Cobra Kai dwindled with no signs of the missing).

Recently, however, we have been made aware of a far more dangerous predator in our midst. A predator of the human variety.

On the afternoon of March 26th, 2007, the Interactive Building was made sadly aware of the death of the smaller bug-eyed fish, which was too young to even be named. At this time, we were informed that his big brother, who I have taken to calling Woody Allen, was not doing well, either.

Then, on the morning of March 27th, 2007, Woody Allen turned up missing – followed by a startling confession. One of our own, a fellow TankKeeper, had flushed the poor, ailing fish while he was still living. According to the culprit: “He was only mostly dead. I wanted to put him out of his misery and clear the tank of the disease that he and the other deceased carried, ultimately saving the other tank occupants.” A likely story.

While the culprit claims to have had Woody Allen’s best interests at heart, he has recently displayed blatant signs of guilt, such as changing his appearance by cutting his hair a startling amount.

If you happen to run into this possible felon and he offers to take you to a water park, swim as fast as you can in the opposite direction.


In happier news, a new couple has been welcomed to the neighborhood – D-bag and his wife, The Missus. Rumors are circulating that D-bag relocated his family to the tank for security purposes, and I can’t help but believe that these rumors are true. Have you seen that guy’s Mohawk? He’s a bad-a$$.

Testifying in a climate of fear

A story of death and turmoil

Soon after the interactive aquarium was rejuvenated, replenished – even pimped out Mario-style – several of our fish friends went belly up. The cause remains uncertain but rumors indicate that these were not deaths of a natural cause.

Three of the newly added Swords – one Candy Sword known as Harry Potter and two Velvet Swords, Hermione and Ron – were simply too young to pay a debt to nature. FroZone’s nameless brother is the latest addition to the death toll. He used to suffer from amnesia, and now, well, he’ll never suffer again.

The evidence indicates that this was, in fact, a quadruple homicide.

According to my sources, the Clown Loaches Bozo and Homey, longtime residents in the interactive aquarium, have recruited the new tiger barbs – S, E and O – in their stripe supremacist gang.

Although many of the remaining fish are in a state of shock and unwilling to testify for fear of the consequences, fins are pointing toward the tiger barbs. Pucker was the only fish willing to comment.

“I may be a bottom-feeder,” uttered Pucker as he trembled in an alley behind Princess Toadstool’s castle, “but these delinquents are simply pond scum. Time and money has been put into this community and the last thing we need is an increase in the crime rate.”

Gang violence is a problem many of the interactive aquarium veterans are not familiar with. Harmony and balance (pH or otherwise) are very important for the quality of aquarium life. Let’s hope that the non-striped fish can come together to stop the violence.

BREAKING NEWS: A mostly eaten fish corpse was found on the bottom of the interactive aquarium recently. The identity has yet to be confirmed. Evidence indicates this may be another stripe supremacy hate crime.

The Waves of Change

Recently, the waves of change came a-rollin’ in, and with them came a new batch of occupants to the recently pimped Interactive fish tank. Some of these occupants may be entirely new to you, and some may be familiar faces. Some you may think you know … but you have no idea. As one of the new Tankkeepers, I want to take the time to introduce you to the entire population of the current Interactive Mario tank.

Link-a-saurus – The neon gourami. So far has been known to swim around the tank solo, wondering how he became so really, really, ridiculously good-looking. From the first time he saw himself in the reflection of the side-tank and noticed his blue shimmering scales, he knew he had to become a male model. He has been specializing in fin work.

S, E and O – These tiger barbs swim around the tank like they own the place, reminiscent of the Sharks, the gang in West Side Story. Petland told us that they had the potential to become aggressive … little did we know how great and deadly the potential actually was.

Harry Potter, Ron and Hermione – Harry was a Candy Sword, and the other two were Velvet Swords. Unfortunately, it appears that wizarding magic doesn’t stand up to pure brute strength underwater. We can only hope that the deaths of these three young fish don’t foreshadow upcoming events in J.K. Rowling’s Book 7.

Pongo and Perdita – These Dalmatian Mollies like to canoodle in corners and eat romantic dinners of fish flakes. It shouldn’t be long before we have 101 Dalmatian Molly puppies swimming around! But watch out, Pongo and Perdy – with SEO in the 'hood, Cruella doesn’t seem all that threatening anymore.

Cobra Kai­ – Cobra Kai is not one fish, but the entity of five tiny Tetras that swim stealthily along the bottom of the tank.

Bozo and Homey – the Clown Loaches. According to Matt Brummett, “they might be boyfriends - they always used to hide together in the castle all day long”.

FroZone and his brother – yes, there are actually two see-through catfish in our tank. One is quite a bit more see-through, not just a reflection of the other. The original FroZone can be spotted (if you have really, really good vision) hanging around the top of the plants on the right side of the tank. His brother is suffering from a case of amnesia and cannot remember his own name. If anyone has information that could lead to the identity of this tragically lost fish, please contact the Tankkeeper immediately. Altogether, it seems that both of these catfish are skittish and a bit screwy ... what could have happened to them in the months that the Tankkeeper was off duty?

Lucas – this Silver Dollar is another remnant of the olden days. Lucas hangs out in his rocking chair and yells at the new whippersnappers to get off his gravel! Dang kids …

Pucker – The Sucker fish is having the hardest time adjusting to the new tank environment. While he’s a laid-back guy and gets along well with the new tenants, he is finding it difficult to find anything to suck on to. According to an exclusive interview, he says “I only wish that Princess and her boyfriend could have wasted a little less money on pizza and sprung for a bigger castle. There’s hardly any room to eat on this thing! And those green tubes … don’t get me started. Even if they weren’t so slippery, I constantly have to watch for the fireballs they shoot!”

Mario – “It's-a-me, Mario!” His last name is also Mario, effectively making his name "Mario Mario." He is best known for rescuing Princess Peach from Bowser using his many powers, among them his amazing jumping ability.

Luigi – Luigi is Mario's younger brother. He wears green instead of red and is taller and slimmer than Mario. Luigi rarely goes on dangerous adventures when asked (fearing for his own safety), yet when Mario goes on one and nobody asks him, he is jealous.

Bowser – Bowser Koopa (sometimes known as King Bowser or King Koopa) is the supreme leader of the Koopa Troop, king of the Koopas, and the arch-nemesis of Mario and Luigi. Repeatedly, he tries to kidnap Princess Peach and take over the Mushroom Kingdom. Occasionally, the Koopa King has attempted to conquer the entire Mushroom Planet.

Princess Peach – Princess Peach Toadstool (sometimes just called Peach) is a princess first appearing in Super Mario Bros. She resides in her castle. She is often the damsel in distress. She was made infamous from Mushroom’s quote: "Thank you Mario! But our princess is in another castle!"

Princess Daisy – She is known to be a tomboy and her special abilities deal with flowers. She is best friends with Peach and rumored to be in a romantic relationship with Luigi. She is the brunette princess.

Toadstool – Toad is Princess Peach’s attendant and a longtime protector of the Mushroom Kingdom. Toad is not a very high jumper, but he is extremely fast when it comes to picking vegetables and digging through sand.

Yoshi – Yoshi, like most of his kind, spent the early part of his life living on Yoshi's Island, the homeland of the Yoshis and the entrance to Dinosaur Land. The island was a relatively peaceful place filled with relaxed and laid-back Yoshis. However, this was all to change the day the legendary Mario Bros. were born, a day that would not only change Yoshi's life, but the entire course of history.

Waluigi – The details of Waluigi's past are a mystery. He simply appeared in the Marioverse with no explanation to his background. From the scarce information that can be gathered, he has been antagonizing the Mario Bros. for quite some time; even before his debut in Mario Tennis.

Wario – Wario's greed pushes him to do evil acts such as the seizing of Mario's Castle. Due to his money-grubbing personality, he is not liked by many citizens of the Mushroom Kingdom. Wario has also been proved to be very cunning as he has tricked our red-clad hero on few occasions. His interests range from stealing treasure to running a mini-game company.

Diddy Kong – Donkey Kong also does battle with Mario and even joins him in parties and sports.

Take the time to stop by and say hi to everyone ... and to keep an eye on SEO. I have a feeling that we aren't out of rough waters yet ....

The orange one with the hump

No, I am not talking about a pumpkin, (although it is almost time to take a knife to one), I am talking about a fish.

Due to my inability to guess the gender of aquatic creatures, I will be presenting this post with both pronouns, so you can pick your preference – sort of like a choose-your-own-path book.

Over the past few weeks, we have seen two fish end their world in the downward-spiral swallow of the Church (see right). Today, the fish we suspect was the main cause of the two deaths joined them.

Once again, we don't have a name for it, (which is why I am going to suggest we come up with a naming scheme for the bereaved remainder of the population), but I do know what it looked like.

What I am going to do is describe he/she/it, or if you prefer – the fish.

He/she was a deep orange with dark-brown accents. Even his/her eyes were orange, with a sort of velvet look to them. It was almost as if a really small person from the sixties put on mini scuba gear and installed tiny patches of shag carpet on them. The fish also had a very pronounced hump in his/her back, and every time he/she stopped swimming, his/her back half would slowly sink.

We all knew it was a matter of time before it was unable to re-align itself to be level and just sink to the bottom. This is why it was no shock to learn of the death this morning.

Good news though – we may be infusing the population with more fish! Stay tuned for more.

Another One Bites the Dust

Not much is known about the fish which passed this weekend, however, I will do my best to make something up, and this post shall serve as our little friend's obituary.

Could this event have been foreshadowed in last Thursday's episode of The Office?

Was it a sign that the water level was again getting to low?

Will there really be another Indiana Jones?

The answer to all of these questions is up in the air. We do know one thing though – the other fish all wanted a taste of the action, literally.

"It was covered in bites and some kind of fungus," said the lucky one who got the pleasure of removing one ‘John Doe’ from the tank over the weekend.

We may never know the name or identity of the departed, however, we do know it wasn't Frozone; and when it all boils down, that is all that matters.

Should We Consider it a 'Freshwater' Tank?

Well, it's back; no, not the cold weather and the onset of fall - the freshwater adventure blog. After almost 3 quiet months our finned friends began making waves and we had to acknowledge their efforts.

One of our first orders of business when re-visiting this blog was to determine how we could liven up the tank. One suggestion was to sink some fish-friendly accessories into their H2O habitat; another was to clean the tank. Both good suggestions, however, while the tank has been cleaned, I haven't seen any furniture for the fish come through.

So, while I pond-ered what to blog about, a co-worker sent me a link to a very interesting article about a toilet-seat aquarium. After reading about the decorative toilet tank, I decided it was blog worthy.

The Fish 'n Flush retails for about $450 - which does not include the beady-eyed fish it will contain. In addition, while it may be a neat new bathroom accessory for some, those of us with shy bladders may find it more of an invasion of privacy.

What goes Chuck in the night?

Chuck Norris doesn't use use a fishing pole to fish, he simply punches the water and all the fish die. All of our fish are afraid of Chuck Norris...