Humans ruining goddamned planet, fish declare

Our freshwater fish blame humans for fatally polluting our planet with toxins and trash. The fish took out a full-page ad in publications worldwide this week declaring that man is Earth's No. 1 enemy. The ads, considered incindiary speech by some papers that refused to run them, call upon all animals to rise up against "the oppression of homosapiens."

"How many more years are we going to stand by and watch homo erectus give our planet the shaft?" asked one belligerent molly who refused to be identified. "It is high time we let mankind know in no uncertain terms that their destructive rule of our world is at an end."

Citing recent government reports about the acceleration of global warming's effects on our climate, the fish placed their ads as a first strike against the man. While future plans are being kept under wraps, humans are now said to be monitoring all fish communications for signs of "terroristic chatter."

Aubrey the molly is widely thought to be the fish behind this animal movement.

"Earth has always been her own greatest protector. When one ruling life form threatened the autonomy of this great planet, Mother Nature herself has quickly acted to set things right. That's what we are talking about here. We're talking about taking action to save our dying planet. Is there any greater cause? And who better to take up the cause than the fishes of the world?"

Soendker resignation leaves fish non-plussed

When he departed the company on Friday, there was barely a whisp of acknowledgement from the fish in our community freshwater aquarium.

"Steven who?" asked one incredulous tetra. "Never heard of the dude."

Having join the company more than a year earlier, Soendker quickly earned a reputation for having a good head on his shoulders. Unfortunately for him, he also became the butt of many jokes.

"He was such an easy target," said George the Silver Dollar. "Everything about him just cried out for comedy, especially the way he used to dress himself like a colorblind third grader. It was hilarious."

Most of our aquarium fish were unaware of Steven's very existence and therefore were hard-pressed to conjure up even a modicum of melancholy when they learned he was leaving.

"I could pretent to care but it really wouldn't change the reality that I don't know him and now don't need to worry about it anymore," said Aubrey, the world's largest molly. "I mean, the dude ain't in the union any more."

Cheney shoots fish during visit to Baltimore

Vice President Dick Cheney shot a fish during a brief visit to the Baltimore aquarium today. The first reports suggest that the fish was seriously wounded by the shooting.

"It appears as though the fish did something to displease America's vice president," said Nancy Waters, managing director of the aquarium. "One minute everything was fine. The next moment, Cheney just pulled out his nine and capped that poor fish."

Secret Service agents secured the fish and transported him to a nearby animal hospital. Cheney was whisked off to a secure location where he could be examined for signs of trauma.

White House officials refused to comment on the incident, but the conspiracy theories have already reached the fish of our community aquarium.

"That fish knew something," said Jan, one of the young sunburst platys known collectively as the Platy Bunch. "It must have posed some kind of threat to the vice president or the administration or it wouldn't have been harmed. There's something mighty fishy going on here."

Oprah denounces fish for 'mistruths' in book debacle

Talk-show queen Oprah Winfrey lambasted Lucas the fish this week for what journalists have revealed are 'mistruths' in his best-selling book, which Winfrey placed in her prestigious Oprah's Book Club last month.

The book, "America's Last Gasp," is an intellectual discussion of America's recent decline economically, socially and globally. It made The New York Times bestseller list upon its debut in Sept. of last year. Oprah followed suit last month, naming it a book her followers would "remember forever."

"You used statistics that were out of date or that were in line with your biased belief - that America is on the decline," Winfrey seethed at the fish author. "You didn't just lie to the American people, most of whom are poor fools. You lied to the one person who can tell them what to read and when -- namely, me. That is going to cost you big-time, buck-o."

Lucas seemed unbothered by Oprah's outburst. In fact, it seemed to rather amuse him.

"I've made millions from this book club thing, and stand to make millions more based on your behavior here today," Lucas told an aghast Winfrey. "I find myself wanting to thank you for all of this because I really couldn't have done it without you."

All was forgiven later in the show when Lucas jumped up and down on Oprah's sofa while jabbering on and on about his marriage of convenience.