Titanic shredded by collision with box cutter; Only 705 dolls saved; noted names missing

The parade float Titanic was shredded early this morning after colliding with a box cutter in mid-hallway, resulting in serious loss of artificial life.

"We regret to inform you that Titanic disappeared with more than half her complement of passengers and crew still aboard," said White Star chairman Phillip A. Franklin. "We fear that more than 1,000 dolls have gone to their doom."

The famed Titanic, largest parade float in the company registry, was some 300 feet from her destination when calamity struck.

"To have brought this great vessel down so quickly, the box cutter must have torn her to bits below," said a marine architect who spoke to reporters this afternoon. "That's the only thing that makes sense. We thought her unshreddable."

The cream of plastic society
On board Titanic for her fateful voyage were 2,200 dolls and action figures, many of them among the most prized creatures in the world. Malibu Barbie and Princess Leia (Boushh Disguise) were among those listed as saved this afternoon, but businessman and scoundrel Han Solo and millionaire Potato Head were among the famous passengers thought to have perished in the disaster.

Maiden trip
Titanic was only four days out on her first "celebratory crossing," which began a week after she was named "Best Float" by a panel of shipping experts. This disaster is by far the worst in the history of the east hallway.

"She was one of a kind," said one observer. "I'm sure people will be talking about this for a long time to come."

Survey says:Majority of fish swim on company time

Two-quarters of our aquarium fish admit they swim on company time, according to a survey released today.

Among fish who said they think their swimming is monitored by their human overseers, one-quarter continue to swim during office hours, according to research conducted for professional staffing company Hudson Highland Group Inc.

"It's one of the ways fish deal with work-life balance issues," said Spiny Finnigan, chief operating officer at Oceanside Talent Management. "Because we're spending so much time at work, that's the only time they have to schedule some of those appointments."

One-third of fish who think the humans are unaware of their swimming say they don't feel they are doing anything wrong, according to the study.

Platy Bunch Tragedy:Pair of Platy kids disappear; presumed dead

A brother and sister of the famed Platy Bunch are presumed dead today after failing to appear for the morning or afternoon feeding.

"We can now say to a certainty that Jan and Peter Platy are gone," said TankKeeper at a press conference late Thursday night. "We do not know what has become of them, but they are no longer inside the community aquarium. They are presumed dead."

Confirmation of the deaths may never come, but the shock was instant upon hearing the grim
announcement.

"We know that Jan and Peter have gone on to a better place, and our spirits are buoyed by your messages, more than 15 in all, which we have received since they disappeared," said Marcia Platy in a statement released on behalf of the Platy Bunch. "Wherever they are, they are together, and we are comforted by that. Thank you to everyone who has been so kind to remember them now."

The Platy family remains in seclusion. Funeral arrangements were pending.

In a related note, a large marble molly was found dead on the tank bottom Thursday afternoon. The identification of this fish is being withheld pending notification of next of kin.

Outrage!Fish refuse to undergo personality testing

Our human resources department is reeling today from an aquarium-wide refusal to participate in the company-mandated Keirsey personality test. The fish of our community aquarium stormed out of a meeting this morning where the tests were going to be administered.

“We are sick and tired of you humans trying to make us conform to your idea of how the world should work,” said one angry tetra. “I ask you, ‘Does this make a lick of sense?’ I am proud to say there is a limit to what we fish will tolerate. You have hit that limit.”

Tank officials are meeting at this hour with members of the human resources department to determine what action, if any, will be taken. At this hour, it is said that the fish have a decided advantage as published company policy says nothing about personality testing.

"Who would think to give a fish a personality test?" asked one incredulous clown loach. "What's next? Mandatory mammograms? I mean, you wouldn't give a jellyfish a scholiosis test, would you? I think you would agree that this is completely ridiculous."

Video editor kills fish in sad bid for publicity

Tank officials are expected to file charges against video editor Clayton Turrentine (at left) in the death of a fish under his care, Freshwater Adventures has learned.

As an anonymous informant told this reporter today, "We lost either Shillelagh or Shenanigans today (we never knew which was which). The remaining fish is hanging on by a thread."

An unnamed source told this reporter that colleagues suspect that Turrentine killed the fish as a last-ditch effort to see his name in print within this online publication.

"It's really pathetic," the source said. "He had been saying for months that he really wanted to be noticed by the editors of Freshwater Adventures, but nobody saw the warning signs. Now, for one poor fish, it's too late."

Authorities who responded to the scene this afternoon were unable to identify which of the two fish in production had died.

"The body is so battered, and Mr. Turrentine has paid such minimal attention to fish in his care, that we cannot determine the dead fish's identity," said Chief Walleye, lead investigator on the case.

Turrentine remains free as of press time, but officials expect his arrest to come within 24 hours.

"In a way, I suppose our greatest regret is that he got what he wanted," Walleye said. "You're obviously going to write about this, so a fish-killer now gets the spotlight as he always hoped. I don't feel good about that."

Fish veto green water for St. Patrick's Day

Our fish have vetoed a plan put forth by tank officials to dye the aquarium water green for St. Patrick's Day observances scheduled for tomorrow.

"We have endured some greenish water in our day, even some yellowish water, due to algae buildup, but we don't have to endure green water for the sake of a silly human holiday," said Aubrey the marble moly. "This is simply more than we can stand."

Fish stormed into the aquarium administrative office last night and held tank officials captive for several hours until management agreed to nix the green water proposal.

"I can see their point of view," said TankKeeper. "You wouldn't ask Jewish people to put a Christmas tree in their yard, so you shouldn't ask fish to dye their water green."

Fish Googles self; disappointed by results

A platy in our community tank Googled herself today and was saddened to find that she doesn't appear even once in the site's massive listings.

"I searched for Jan Platy and came up with zilch about myself," lamented Jan, middle daughter of our famous Brady Bunch brood of six sunburst platys. "I should have expected it, being the middle child and all. I always get the shaft."

Fish watchers were quick to console the homely little fish, reminding her that it took a while even for the great Orangejello to get listed in search engines, and he was a superstar. Their words were of little solace, however.

"If that's true, then why are my siblings getting attention, huh?" Jan demanded in an angry voice. "This just proves my point. No matter what I do, it's always Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!"

Cousins across the “pond” doing well

PlattForm’s Production Department recently received kudos from the IOOBK (International Organization of Oh Boy, Koi!) for saving the lives of two nearly frozen Irish-Japanese Koi -- duly named Shillelaigh and Shenanigan. Seems the two Koi were close to death earlier this winter while trapped in an outdoor pond. “It was frickin’ freezing out there,” said Shillelaigh.

This now increases the number of fish in the Production Department to three. Although the Irish-Japanese Koi like each other, they have not found a particular affinity for their brothers and sisters across the pond in the Interactive Department.

“Yeah – we’re all part of the fish family – but those kids over there haven’t lived the kind of hard-knock life we have,” said Shenanigan. “I’m rather non-plussed about the whole thing,” Shenanigan added.

The fish are now resting comfortably in a new tank filled with orange stars and blue diamonds. “All we need now are yellow moons, purple horseshoes and green clovers and we’ll feel right at home,” said Shillelaigh.

Freshwater matriarch Aubrey was informed of the Koi's recent rescue and is said to be considering a visit to the new fish setup across the pond.

"I share in your determination to find common ground among all fishes," Aubrey said in a statement released through tank officials early Tuesday. "In the final analysis, our most basic common link is that we are all fish. We all breathe the same air. We all cherish our children's futures. And we are all mortal."

Freshwater Adventures Correspondent Michael Mackie contributed to this report, which was supplemented by staff and wire reports.

Fish going through Olympics withdrawal

The Winter Olympics are over, and the fish of our community aquarium are feeling the blues.

"Our TV watching has definitely taken a dive into despair since the Olympic Games ended over the weekend," said George the Silver Dollar. "There's only so many episodes of Judge Judy that I can stand."

It seems our fish developed a definite liking for the Olympic contests -- and for some of the athletes.

"I sure do miss Sasha Cohen," said Marcia the sunburst platy. "Even though we haven't never met and I don't know her at all, I feel like we really bonded during the past two weeks, and I don't even mind her not returning my calls even though I think that's kind of a witchy thing to do."

Our fish are coping with the lack of good daytime TV viewing by starting street fights and looting.

Added Marcia: "These Olympic Games sure did give us a lot of heroes to look up to, even if they are really selfish people deep-down like that spoiled brat Sasha Cohen."