Fish wish 'silly humans' a Happy Halloween

Our community fish, somewhat nonplussed by the human ritual of donning costumes on Halloween, today wished us a tentative Happy Halloween.

"We hope you enjoy your odd ritual of dressing up like scary creatures or dead historical figures," said one neon tetra who refused to be indentified. "And we also hope the candy for which you beg does not swell your stomachs or rot your teeth any more than you are apparently willing to accept."

Halloween is not a big fish holiday. Our tropical fish greatly prefer Arbor Day to All Hallow's Eve.

During a fish-on-the-street interview today, we learned what puzzles fish most about Halloween.

"What really boggles my mind is when you dress up like fish," said Lucas the Silver Dollar. "I mean, what is that about? Are you mocking us? Are you trying to start the first fish-human war? Why you gotta be starting something?"

Mr. Larry the beta dies at tender age of 2

A distant cousin to our community fish died today at age 2. Mr. Larry the blue beta fish died at 3 p.m. of natural causes, according to a statement released by the family.

"Mr. Larry was one of the first fish to ever grace our office," said fish-watcher Tracy Benbrook.

Mr. Larry belonged to Cari Heelan, making this the third such loss for Heelan in two weeks. Heelan was in seclusion and unavailable for comment.

Heelan's other beta, Bruce Lee, was murdered while under the care of Tracy Benbrook "the killer fish-sitter." Mr. Larry graced the small beta bowl that was his home for more than a year. He was healthy almost to the end and died without comment.

Our Freshwater Adventures store opens!

Loving our tropical fish has become easier than ever before, thanks to the opening of the official Freshwater Adventures store!

You were wondering what to get the fish-watcher who has everything. Well, wonder no more! How about a ghost catfish mousepad (pictured at right)? An Orangejello/Gozer notepad? Or a loach tote bag?

Browse our new online store at http://www.cafepress.com/freshfishes.

All proceeds from items sold in the online store will go toward the maintenance of our freshwater aquarium, and toward the future acquisition of new fish. Products will be added as time permits. Most of the items on sale feature the best-loved images of renowned fish photographer Aaron Lindberg.

Gozer dead:Baby molly remembered as an 'angel';aquarium sealed for official day of mourning

Gozer, the plucky runt of our community aquarium, died today in the net crib he shared with four other baby fish. Tank officials were unable to determine an exact cause of death, but it mattered little to a community that has once again been plunged into mourning.

Aquarium officials have sealed the entire aquarium for the rest of the day so that an official day of mourning can be observed in peace. Black crepe enveloped the entire tank, and a sign posted by tank officials read: "We're sorry. The aquarium is closed today due to a death in the family. Gozer: "Good night, sweet prince." Aug. 3 - Oct. 24, 2005." All tank events have been suspended for the remainder of the day.

"We feel this loss most keenly," said TankKeeper in a hastily arranged press conference. "Gozer was one of the better angels of our nature, and we are today a people in pain. When something like this happens, it makes you question everything you think you know. The world is not as safe and snug as it was yesterday."

It was on Oct. 13, a mere week and a half ago, that Gozer's mother was cruelly murdered by her husband, Knuckles McGee.

"It makes me cry to think of his last week alive," said one mourner who was part of a tank-side vigil this morning.

"Poor little Gozer was dealing with the loss of one parent and the imprisonment of another. Now he's gone. It's just so sad, like something Aeschylus would have written."

'They Draw the Lightning'
Again for the family of Fatty Arbuckle, the terrible news came, stunning a family already numbed by grief. Kevin Ness, who gave Gozer his name, was filled with anger at the latest tragedy.

"I will not rest until his killer is put to death," Ness said. "Oh, wait. I'm against the death penalty. I will not rest until his killer knows that I am very, very angry right now!"

Cari Heelan, who owned Fatty and Gozer, is said to be sleeping comfortably after downing a fistful of barbituates.

"When it comes to tragedy, this family has had its fair share," said one fish-watcher. "They draw the lightning."

Capital city filled with conspiracy talk
Lacking an official cause of death, the capital city soon overflowed with talk of conspiracy.

"It was the McGee vendetta," said one fish-watcher. "Knuckles has friends in high places, and apparently they weren't too happy about his recent sentencing. Poor Gozer was an obvious target who now has fallen due to the long, long reach of Knuckles McGee."

Other fish-watchers recall the injury Gozer suffered during a botched release attempt on Oct. 7.

"They say he had internal bleeding after his near-death experience in the big tank," speculated one fish-watcher. "The doctors kept it quiet because they knew there was nothing they could do, but the bleeding is what finished him off in the end."

'He lived life to the fullest'
Beyond the speculation, a gulf of grief remains for those who knew Gozer well.

"He was a runt, and I loved him," said Lollipop, who shared the crib with Gozer. "He knew he probably wasn't ever going to be strong enough to live in the big tank, but he lived life to the fullest. I sure am going to miss him.'

Orangejello is said to be in seclusion. His agent declined to comment but issued a statement that said the superstar fish will not be honoring any concert commitments this week out of respect to his friend Gozer.

Gozer's body was cremated as soon as it was removed from the aquarium, and his ashes were scattered over the final resting place of his mother, Fatty Arbuckle.

"He loved his family so much," said a fish-watcher who often saw Gozer and Fatty together. "Now they are in a place where no harm can come to them."

Chubby Arbuckle, Gozer's younger brother who was born moments before their mother's death, is said to be bearing up well.

"I have come to believe, now more than ever, that when fish die they really do live on through the fish who love them," said Chubby in a statement released today.

We at Freshwater Adventures invite you to share your thoughts about the life and death of Gozer by commenting to this post.

Dwarf gourami found dead

Tank officials made a grim discovery this morning as they inspected the aquarium -- the bloated body of a dwarf gourami lying face down on the bottom of the aquarium in front of the Parthenon.

Last week officials noted swelling in the fish's abdomen and took appropriate action.

"We applied medication to the water late last week to address any issues that might be afflicting the fish," said TankKeeper. "In this case, we were simply too late. She was already beyond help by the time her condition became acute."

Fish-watchers thought the fish might be pregnant, but tank officials debunked that theory quickly, stating that gouramis are not live-bearing fish. Gouramis are, in fact, nest-egg breeders. When she is ready, the female gourami will lay eggs that form a "bubble" along the surface of the water. The male will then swim up and mate with the female, spreading his matter and fertilizing the eggs.

Tank officials declined to comment on the cause of death. Funeral arrangements were pending at Flush Brothers, Inc.

Star Treatment:Orangejello ranked No. 1 in Feedster

Orangejello the superstar platy discovered today that he comes up first when you search the term "Orangejello the fish" in Feedster, a blog search engine.

"My client is, as always, flattered by the adoration of his fans," said Talia Tetra, the superstar fish's agent. "So many people are searching for the latest news about Orangejello online, and I can tell you he is very grateful for the attention."

It has been a month since the adolescent Mickey Mouse platy was released from his crib into the general aquarium population. Since his release, the little fish has thrived.

"He really has grown into quite a handsome fish," said fishwatcher Sherri Razer. "He was cute as a baby, but now he's got something more. I can certainly understand why people would be searching for him online. He's quite a catch."

Tetra reveals her irrational fear of hurricane

Two Fish, our smallest neon tetra, today revealed her complete, and completely irrational, fear of Hurricane Wilma, which is now being tracked off the eastern seaboard.

"They say the hurricane could intensify as it reaches land," the trembling neon tetra confided to passersby on Wednesday. "This could be another Hurricane Rita or, God forbid, another Hurricane Katrina."

Fish and fish-watchers are doing their best to put Two Fish's mind at ease.

"You have nothing to fear, Two Fish," said one concerned fish. "Our aquarium is in Kansas, and this storm is headed for Florida."

"I know," said Two Fish. "Fortunately, I'm prepared. I've been stockpiling batteries and bottled water for days."

Lucas the silver dollar paid a visit to the little neon and tried to talk some sense into her.

"You understand there's no way this hurricane can get to you, right?" Lucas asked. "You're safe here in land-locked Kansas."

Two Fish, who was busily placing her cherished family photo albums into a waterproof container, stopped packing long enough to explain her fears to the silver dollar.

"You don't understand," Two Fish said. "People everywhere are taking cover. CNN even has a logo designed for this hurricane. Last time they did that, all hell broke loose. If you were smart, you'd be doing everything you can to prepare for Hurricane Wilma."

Concerned fish-watchers suggest that this might be a good time to impose limitations on the amount of cable TV that our fish can watch.

"This has gotten out of hand," said concerned fish-watcher Matt Brummett. "I mean, this little fish has become shell-shocked by hurricane coverage. Next thing you know, our fish are going to want to become TV stars themselves. When will it end - with 'Fish Eye for the Straight Guy,' I suppose? It's madness."

Hurricane Wilma could intensify by the time it reaches Florida Sunday night. Two Fish could be dead of a panic attack long before then.

He's OK, folks!Orangejello death scare briefly cripples capital

Fish-watchers believed Orangejello was gone until he was discovered safe and sound by tank officials.

"I was scared to death because I couldn't find him anywhere," said Orangejello's owner, Corey Smith. "We quite thought he'd gone, too."

Fish-watchers gathering around the community aquarium at 4:30 p.m. today expressed their growing alarm at their inability to locate Orangejello.

"I don't know why the bigger fish would've picked today to eat him but that's totally what I thought happened," said horrified witness and Rasputin look-a-like Eric Jones. "Thank Jordache he's alright."

Tank officials discovered the small fry hiding in the coral cave. The emergency was handled swiftly and the terror alert level was unaffected.

The Buzz on Blogs

A bunch of bitter old people recently convened for the 2005 edition of the Direct Marketers Association conference. One of the more widely attended sessions was "Catch the Buzz with Blogs."

Basically, the session underscored the fact that blog reading and blog writing are on the rise, and that the technology that supports blogs is becoming more widely adopted. The question raised in the session was how can marketers get a piece of this pie?

We at Freshwater Adventures think that blogs should be OFF LIMITS to anyone who's trying to sell something. Our sponsor, Coca-Cola, agrees.

"We would never want to do something so blatant as try to push one of our sponsors, like Coca-Cola, in our blog," said a Freshwater Adventures editor who declined to be identified. "We know better than to think people are going to buy delicious, satisfying Coca-Cola just because they read about this amazing soft drink on our blog."

The DMA session offered a word of caution to marketers intent on entering the blogosphere. Be very careful about pushing products or services because you risk a blog backlash.

For now, it seems, blogs are a powerful viral marketing tool that remains just beyond the reach of most marketers. Drink Coca-Cola and you'll see what we mean.

An Epilogue: The Legend of Fatty Arbuckle

Our reporter, Stanley Tetra, sat down for an interview with Fatty Arbuckle's owner, Cari Heelan, just one day after the death of the beloved molly.

She remembers the first cries, like the sound of a thousand sirens all sounding at once.

"They're attacking Fatty! Please help!"

It was all over so quickly, Heelan said, but her fish was brave to the end. "Fatty never made a sound. She had such a calm expression on her face."

The waiting seemed interminable. "Whenever Fatty quoted something, it was usually classical, but I'm so ashamed of myself. All I kept thinking was that line from the poem -- 'Hope is this thing with wings that roosts in the soul.' I kept thinking, Oh, God, if she can just live, I'll do anything for her for the rest of my life."

It was not to be. Less than an hour after the battered fish was placed in isolation, her heart stopped.

"Now she belongs to the ages," Heelan said, "but I want the world to know what a wonderful fish she was, and how much she loved the community around her. She brought such a special grace to the aquarium. There will be great fish again, but there will never be another Fatty."

Heelan thinks of Fatty's children - Gozer, Chubby and Bardo, who are still so young.

"Now, we must do what we can for her children. I want them to grow up to be good fish. I want them to experience the world, but I must provide a shelter for them when things happen to them that don't necessarily happen to other fish."

More than anything, Heelan is haunted by the might-have-beens.

"Fatty was special, and I know she saw something special in me, too. I guess I should have known she was magic all along, I did know it, but now I know it was asking too much to dream that I might have grown old with her and watched her children grow up together. So now, she is a legend when she would have preferred to be a fish."

Editor's note: Fatty Arbuckle was laid to rest this afternoon at the National Cemetery with just family and close friends at graveside.

The verdict is in:McGee sentenced to banishment

A jury comprised of fish-watchers sentenced Knuckles McGee to banishment from the community aquarium. McGee was convicted of first degree fishslaughter in the death Thursday of Fatty Arbuckle.

"We the jury, in the above entitled action, do hereby sentence Knuckles McGee to banishment from our community aquarium," said the jury forewoman, who declined to be identified.

One member of each interactive team was called to jury duty early this morning and tasked with deciding how McGee would be punished.

The court gave three options to the jurors:
- life in prison without the possibility of parole
- banishment to another aquarium of the court's choosing
- return to the pet store

Option two, banishment, got five votes. The other options received one vote apiece.

The court has final approval as to the placement of McGee. Legal experts say that a new aquarium will likely have to be prepared for the convicted fish. It is possible that the new aquarium could be placed with McGee's owner, Guy Fish.

While the court searches for a new home for McGee, the fish remains under arrest in an isolation tank.

A record day for death

Two more fish died overnight, bringing a record day for death that included the loss of Fatty Arbuckle to a tragic end.

Zebra the Danio succumbed to death after a day-long struggle, and Ginger, one of two royal blue Platys, died as well.

Zebra was a pioneering fish owned by Tracy Robinson and Sarah McMeans. Ginger was owned by Dave Admire and was added to the aquarium along with Maryann on Aug. 30.

Both fish were buried in private services this morning. Arrangements were made under the auspices of Flush Brothers, Inc.

To her final rest:Arbuckle casket borne home shoulder-high

A flag-draped coffin bearing the body of slain molly Fatty Arbuckle arrived home late Thursday evening, carried shoulder-high on the arms of a military honor guard.

Family and friends of the beloved fish followed the casket as it was carried into the office and placed on a catafalque atop the community aquarium, where Arbuckle will lie in state until her funeral Friday afternoon.

Arbuckle's son, Gozer, turned to owner Cari Heelan and asked, "Why are the soldiers walking so funny, so slowly?"

"Because they are so sad," came the reply.

The principal mourner, Heelan, led the family to the bier for prayers as a priest began to read from De Profundis, Psalm 130:

Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord; Lord, hear my voice! My soul waits for the Lord more than sentinels wait for the dawn ... For with the Lord is kindess and with Him is plenteous redemption; And He will redeem Israel from all their inequities.

To Heelan the blessing, like the yards of black crepe draped around the aquarium, was a fitting tribute to a fallen fish. All across the nation Thursday night, hushed cities held candlelight vigils for a fish taken too soon. In London, the bells of Westminster Abbey rang out in the night, an honor usually reserved for the death of kings.

Arbuckle died Thursday morning after being attacked during childbirth. She will be laid to rest Friday afternoon in the National Cemetery.

Knuckles 'sorrowful' about Arbuckle's death;tells world he will abide by court's decision

Hours after his arrest on charges of first degree fishslaughter, molly Knuckles McGee issued a statement through his owner, Guy Fish. What follows is the full text of the statement:

"Knuckles would like the court, the owner of Ms. Arbuckle, and the friends of Fatty Arbuckle to know how sorrowful he is for the tragic results of his actions. It was never his intent to have this happen. Most observers are unaware of his rough upbringing; never getting the attention that he so desired.

"As Knuckles moved from childhood to adolescence, he fell in with the wrong crowd. From there it was a slippery slope to eventually becoming the fish that he is today. This statement is not to excuse his behavior - only to explain. Furthermore, Knuckles would like the court to know that he is fearful that he will be unable to change his ways at this point in his life. He would like the chance to reform but fears that he will be unable to change the essence of who his is and will abide by the courts decision. Whatever it may be."

Government officials are being tight-lipped about their case against McGee, but one federal prosecutor we spoke to said justice will be swift -- and binding.

"You have a repeat offender here who stands accused of committing the biggest crime of all," said the prosecutor, who spoke only on condition of anonymity. "The court is going to be tough with him."

As soon as Fatty's death was confirmed Thursday afternoon, tank officials immediately arrested Knuckles and placed him in solitary confinement, where he will remain indefinitely.

Legal experts agree that Knuckles faces a few outcomes -- including the death penalty. Other options include a return to the pet store or permanent incarceration in an isolation tank.

Babies!Arbuckle's last child, new mollydiscovered alive in community tank

Two new baby fish were discovered today hiding in the roots of our community aquarium's left-side plant. The little fish brought a dash of happiness in a day overwise clouded by grief.

The first baby, a tiny yellow fry, is the last child of Fatty Arbuckle, who died earlier in the day.

The second baby, a much larger marble molly fry, is only slightly smaller than Lollipop, the largest of the Corner Twins.

"Apparently Fatty's last act of life was to give birth to this child," TankKeeper said. "As sad as we are, we are overjoyed to have another living reminder of our friend Fatty."

Ironically, it was Fatty's owner, Cari Heelan, who discovered the two fish and who therefore now owns the two little fry. Despite her grief, Heelan found the strength to name the two fish.

"Fatty's child shall be named Chubby in honor of his late mother," Heelan said. "The other will be named Bardo."

Reporters were told that Bardo means "the intermediate existence between death and reincarnation -- a stage varying from seven to forty-nine days, after which the Karmic body from previous lives will certainly be reborn."

Heelan said she considered both names "supremely appropriate."

Tank officials believe Fatty gave birth to the babies and was then attacked maliciously by the father, Knuckles McGee.

"If there's one thing we know for sure, it's that the tragic, tainted love story of Fatty Arbuckle and Knuckles McGee will really have no end. Now it will live on through the lives of the three children -- Gozer, Chubby and Bardo."

Gozer said to be weighing legal options

Gozer has retained an attorney and is said to be weighing legal options stemming from his mother's murder earlier today.

The little fish, despondent over the tragic loss of his mother, Fatty Arbuckle, has hired Johnny Cockroach as his lead counsel. Cockroach is famous for taking on the government in big cases -- and winning.

"If the government had pursued either of my mother's harassment claims, this could have been prevented and she would be alive today," Gozer said in a statement issued late today. "My mom was a battered fish, and that should not happen anymore. I am prepared to fight to ensure that what happen to mom won't happen to other fish."

Gozer has already called upon Congress to pursue a law that would bring harsher punishments
to fish battery crimes.

Fatty Arbuckle dies following attack;McGee being held for fishslaughter

Fatty Arbuckle died this afternoon after a brief struggle to recover from injuries suffered in an attack led by notorious molly bully Knuckles McGee.

McGee was arrested and placed in an isolation tank (photo above). Authorities stated this afternoon that McGee will be charged with fishslaughter for the vicious attack that left Arbuckle disabled and adrift earlier today.

"This is a dark day in the history of our aquarium," said TankKeeper. "We have suffered a loss that cannot be weighed. Our thought and prayers go out to the family of Fatty Arbuckle, most especially to her son, Gozer."

Arbuckle has been taken to the fish morgue. State law requires an autopsy in any case involving fishslaughter. Funeral arrangements are pending.

Arbuckle's owner, Cari Heelan, is said to be bearing up well under the strain of grief.

For Gozer, condolences from another baby

Gozer has remained in his isolation crib today, seeking comfort from crib-mates and expressing gratitude for the condolences of a mournful community.

Orangejello sent a letter of sympathy to the baby fish who was his crib-mate for two months.

"Dear Gozer," the letter states, "This is one more bond we share -- we must always remind ourselves what brave fish our mothers were. In deepest sympathy, Orangejello."

Share your condolences with the family

We invite you to share your thoughts on the death of Fatty Arbuckle by submitting a comment to this article.

A fish to remember:Fatty Arbuckle: April 15 - Oct. 13, 2005

A true pioneer, Fatty Arbuckle was introduced to our community aquarium on its opening day, April 15, 2005. She was a vibrant member of the community and a leader among the molly population.

Fatty was no stranger to fame, or to harassment. Neither was she a stranger to the protection o an isolation tank.

Fatty twice filed harassment charges against Knuckles McGee, first on Aug. 8. Those charges never made it to trial. Then, on Sept. 12, she filed charges again. McGee was arrested and Arbuckle spent a weekend in isolation for her own safety.

Public opinion favored Arbuckle, who was seen as the victim of relentless harassment. Her attacker, McGee, was voted "Most Hated Fish of 2005."

Despite her legal battles, Arbuckle is most remembered in the role that meant the most to her -- as a mother. Her son, Gozer, was born Aug. 3.

"She was a wonderful mother to her only son," said Lucas the silver dollar. "By all accounts her son has grown into a caring and substantial fish, due in large part to her skills as a parent."

Cari Heelan, Arbuckle's owner, chooses to remember her fish in happier times.

"When I think of Fatty, I think of her passion for schooling, her love of family and her sense of adventure. She choose to stay rooted in the present, and in doing so she never got frozen by the problems in her past. She will be missed."

'One wished for a sob, a wail, any human sound'

Shock and dismay. That's the only way to describe the scene as fish-watchers slowly filed by the aquarium to see Fatty Arbuckle dying in a small isolation tank.

"I feel like I'm losing a member of my own family," said one fish-watcher who declined to be identified. "Fatty has been a part of this community since the very beginning, and I think it's shameful the way she was made to suffer at the end."

Even hardened journalists were moved to tears at the sight of the stricken fish.

"I have to tell you, it pulls at the heart strings a bit," said Sophee Townsend, commentator for Freshwater Adventures TV affiliate K-FISH. "When I heard the news this morning, it took the wind out of me. I was moved to come here, perhaps to touch history, but mostly to pay my respects to a remarkable fish."

There was an absolute hush that has fallen over the crowd here at aquarium-side. One wished for a sob, a wail, any human sound. Nothing. Only the sound of churning water as Fatty Arbuckle remained nearly motionless in the water.

"I don't know what to say," said one fish-watcher at the scene. "I'm so sad I'm speechless."

Another bystander managed to look ahead despite his sorrow.

"I think we're losing a fish that could have changed the future of our community quite a bit."

Fatty Arbuckle clinging to life;famed molly 'in terrible shape'

Desperate doctors today placed famed molly Fatty Arbuckle in an isolation tank so the beleaguered fish could recover from injuries suffered at the fins of Aubrey and Knuckles McGee. In a day of medical emergencies that includes a dying danio, doctors were alerted to a medical crisis involving Arbuckle at noon.

"We responded to a 911 call at noon," said a medical technician who was first on the scene. "The caller reported that Fatty was being pushed around, literally, by two other aggressive mollies."

By the time the technician arrived at the community aquarium, Fatty had worn herself out and was floating vertically in a state of near exhaustion. Even then, Knuckles McGee continued to push her about the aquarium.

"We immediately extricated Arbuckle from the aquarium and placed her in an isolation tank," said TankKeeper. "She is in terrible shape - barely able to move, bloated and with significant damage to her right side fin."

Fatty's condition is listed as critical, according to tank officials.

"I assure you she is a very, very sick fish," a tank official said. "Her immediate family is being summoned to the aquarium."

Tank officials declined to comment on their prognosis for Arbuckle, who is a pioneer fish in our community aquarium and one of its most famous residents.

Zebra Danio clinging to life;doctors issue grim diagnosis

A member of our school of zebra danios is clinging to life at this hour. Doctors who examined the fish say it is unlikely that she will live through the day.

"There are no signs of ick or other bacterial ailments, but the fish is definitely not well," said one doctor who examined the ailing danio. "We often see this kind of wasting away and are always helpless to stop it."

Early in the day doctors considered moving the fish to Dorothy Jean Memorial Hospital, but without a firm idea of what is ailing her, the move was deemed unnecessary.

"We felt, regretably, that the fish is beyond the help of the best medical care," TankKeeper said. "It was the fish's wish to be left in the aquarium with her friends."

The fish, which belongs to Traci Robinson and Sarah McMeans, was one of four danios that were among the first set of fish added to our community aquarium.

Robinson and McMeans were contacted early today about their fish's condition. They were quick to point out that the fish has a living will that stipulates that no heroic measures are to be undertaken to extend life artificially.

"When we spoke with Zebra this morning, she made it very clear that she didn't want to die in
some hospital," McMeans said. "She said she preferred to die where she has lived. We are determined to see that this last wish is honored."

Family members are already discussing funeral arrangements. As a pioneer fish, Zebra is entitled to burial in the National Fish Cemetery.

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Fish

Being a success in a community aquarium requires hard work and discipline. To help our fish on their way, Freshwater Adventures is proud to present The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Fish.

1. School only with fish that are uglier than you.

2. Flaunt your fins, for they are your flair.

3. Limit your diet to food floating on the surface. (No bottom-feeding!)

4. Treat other fish as you wish to be treated.

5. Write down your goals -- and measure your progress.

6. Regard humans as the enemy.

7. Poop only when the current is flowing with you.

New study reveals:Contact with humans 'hurts IQ more than pot'

Fish who come into constant contact with humans suffer a greater loss of IQ than a fish smoking marijuana, a new British study reveals.

The constant interruptions and disruptions caused by humans reduce fish productivity and leave fish feeling tired and lethargic, according to a survey carried out by TNS Research and commissioned by Hewlett Packard.

The survey of 100 fish showed:

Almost two out of three fish come into contact with humans even when on holiday

Half of all fish come into contact with humans every 60 minutes.

One in five fish will break off a business or social engagement in order to have contact with humans

The mental impact of trying to maintain contact with humans is taking its toll, the study found.

In 80 clinical trials, Dr. Gill Webb monitored the IQ of fish throughout the day.

He found the IQ of those who tried to juggle human contact with fish activity fell by 10 points, which is the equivalent of missing a whole night's sleep.

"This is a very real and widespread phenomenon," Webb said. "We have found that this obsession with being around humans, if unchecked, will damage a fish's performance by reducing their mental sharpness."

Gozer and Orangejello:A study in contrasts

One is the most famous fish in our aquarium; the other, a virtual unknown. One is the child of privilege and fame; the other lives a simple, quiet life. One has taken to aquarium life with zest; the other was nearly killed upon release.

Here is the tale of two baby fish who, though they shared the same crib through adolescence, are growing into two distinctly different creatures.

Orangejello, a Mickey Mouse Platy, was born June 23. As the first fish born in our aquarium, he was an instant superstar. Just as the world was falling in love with the baby fish, his mother committed suicide on July 5 in her guilt over killing all of Orangejello's siblings.

"I think from that day, we were fated to love him," said one fish watcher. "He became the underdog that everyone wanted to root for, but more than that - he became the stuff legends are made of. From that day on, we have been enthralled by his every move."

Orangejello inherited his mother's vast estate. Wealth, coupled with the little fish's bright colorings and equally bright temperment, are a very powerful combination.

Gozer, however, was not of the manor born. The little molly, now considered to be the son of Fatty Arbuckle and Knuckles McGee, was discovered Aug. 3 hiding near Orangejello's crib.

"It was as if he was trying to emulate Orangejello from the very beginning," said Tracy Benbrook. "Of course, there is only one Orangejello."

Gozer and Orangejello became crib mates. Over time, they became best friends. Only Orangejello's release on Sept 23 could separate them. Even then, Orangejello is known to swim by the crib often, calling on his old friend from earlier days.

Gozer has had a difficult childhood. Labeled a runt, his growth has been so slow that tank officials once considered putting him on a steroid drip. This lack of growth was never more apparent than last Friday, when the little fish was finally released to the community aquarium.

Within seconds, fish descended on Gozer, determined to tear him fin from fin. Only the swift and courageous actions of the TankKeeper prevented a terrible devastation. While Gozer rests in his crib once again, the differences between the two fish has never seemed more apparent.

Kevin Ness, who named Gozer, is sensitive to any talk of "that orange guy."

"Gozer deserves better than he's getting," Ness said. "Just because he's not a prima donna orange fish doesn't mean his life should be any less special. He's a special fish in his own right."

For her part, Orangejello guardian Corey Smith is quick to point out the merits of both fish.

"I love both of those little fish," Smith said. "They both bring unique and important things to the aquarium for which we should all be grateful. It is not necessary to compare one to the other. We should just be grateful for them both."

Dino the frog found dead;other frogs reported safe

Dino the frog was discovered dead in the frog-only aquarium today. On Friday the frog's owner, Rachel Platt, noticed that the frog had shed his skin, but it seemed harmless enough at the time.

"We have a lot of questions right now," Platt said. "He seemed perfectly healthy. It just doesn't make any sense."

The other residents of Frank the Frog Memorial Frog Farm, Sammy and Jimmy Legs, both appear to be doing fine. As a precaution, Platt is going to remove the frogs from the farm tonight and give the farm a thorough cleaning. Such cleanings are standard practice after an unexplained death.

The farm was established in the grief-stricken hours after Frank the Frog died on Sept. 13. Dino and Sammy were added to the farm on that day. A week later, Jimmy Legs was added to the farm after he was banished from the community aquarium amid fears he might attempt to assassinate Orangejello upon his release.

"Dino wasn't with us for long," said one frog-watcher, "but he made a lasting impression."

RELEASE SCARE:Gozer nearly killed moments after release;shaken baby fish returned to safety of crib

Gozer narrowly escaped death moments after his release into the community aquarium today.

As soon as the tiny fish entered the water at 1:05 p.m., our new marble molly charged the young fish and attempted to eat him. Only quick action by tank officials saved the young fry.

Release party-goers became horrified witnesses as the release turned into a dramatic rescue operation.

Kevin Ness, the man who gave Gozer his name, fainted and was taken by air ambulance to Dorothy Jean Memorial Hospital, where doctors say his condition is stable. Gozer's owner, Cari Heelan, stood by stunned as her little fish fought for his life, hiding behind the net crib until he was recaptured and returned to the crib.

Heelan was escorted from the scene by tank officials and is said to be resting at an undisclosed location. She was unavailable for comment.

Tiny fish might have suffered internal injuries, doctors say

Doctors who examined Gozer late this afternoon say the little fish may have suffered internal injuries during the few seconds he was in the community aquarium. The doctors are concerned about a prominent red splotch near the fish's gills, which could indicate internal bleeding.

At least one molly attempted to bite the young fish and may have caused injury to the baby fish's midsection.

"We are closely monitoring Gozer's general appearance and movements," said one of the doctors who examined him in an isolation tank where he will remain indefinitely. "If his condition worsens, we'll order an immediate transfer to a larger facility equipped to handle these kinds of things."

Officials at Dorothy Jean Memorial Hospital confirmed that they have been advised to standby to treat an emergency bite wound. Doctors said that at this point the little fish appears to be doing well.

Corey Smith, who witnessed the episode from her tank-side villa, expressed concern for the well-being of the new fish.

"I think it was too soon," Smith said. "My Orangejello was much bigger when they released him, and I was still full of worry when my baby was freed. I hope this makes everyone take a step back and realize that each fish is special. You can't simply pick a date and say, 'That's when he needs to go free.'"

Government commission to reviewour entire baby fish release program

The federal government today appointed a special panel of congressional leaders to investigate the root causes of today's botched baby fish release event.

Thomas Warren, noted jurist and able Senator from the city of New Hampshire, has been named chair of the special panel, which is due to issue its report to the people of America on Nov. 1, 2005.

"I can assure all fish-watching people that we intend to conduct a full inquiry into these events, and we will work to ensure that such a calamity does not occur again."

Legal issues murky in this case, experts agree

Gozer's parents have no legal recourse in the release that nearly ended his life, legal experts agree.

The main reason -- both people who have any claim to the fish at all signed release forms earlier this week that protect tank officials against any such legal actions.

"Basically, once you sign that, you forego any right to future litigation," said one legal expert. "Even if you could prove negligence, you can't argue your way around that binding document. Case closed."

Release day:Stage is set for Gozer's release at 1 p.m.

Tank officials spent the morning sizing up any potential threats. They calculated every known risk. They even checked the air. Now, with the green light from TankKeeper, little Gozer prepares for his big day -- release into the general population.

If the release of Orangejello is any indication, today is expected to go smoothly. Still, there are those who harbor fears.

"Gozer is smaller than Orangejello was when they released him," said one tense fish-watcher. "I won't be there to watch today. I have a bad feeling about this. I wish him the best, though."

Gozer was discovered hiding near Orangejello's crib on Aug. 3 by Cari Heelan. It is believed that Heelan's fish Fatty Arbuckle is Gozer's mother, even though his balloon belly has not yet fully developed.

VERDICT!Court awards Heelan full frog custody

A Johnson County District court today awarded full custody of Jimmy Legs the aquatic frog to his mother, Cari Heelan. The verdict, which came just after the noon hour, brings an end to the heated fight for rights to the feisty frog.

Addressing the court, Judge Francis DeGardinia said, "After reading the comments made by Mr. Baxter yesterday, I cannot in any kind of conscience award him custody of the frog."

The judge was referring to comments Baxter made when told his frog was causing trouble at his new home. "Good," Baxter said. "Let him die by the sword, as he has lived."

Baxter wasn't present in court today, but his lawyer scowled at the judge as this pronouncement was made. Baxter's counsel maintained throughout the trial that Heelan, a confirmed heretic, was unfit to be the frog's guardian.

"This court is well aware," the judge continued, "of Mrs. Heelan's devotion to the devil, and despite her terrible blood-lust, this court finds that she is the preferable choice for sole guardianship of this frog."

Heelan's witch trial is still underway. She was unavailable for comment.

It is too soon to say what might happen to Jimmy Legs. He may be moving in with his mother, or he might be sticking it out at the frog-only aquarium, but he's earned himself many enemies there for his aggressive behavior.

Saltwater Silence:Fish angered by lack of correspondence from sister tank

Fish of our community aquarium are increasingly despondent over the dearth of communication coming from our sister saltwater aquarium, Freshwater Adventures has learned.

Salty Speculation, the official blog of the main building's saltwater aquarium, reported last month that four fish are living in the new aquarium. Media reports today suggest that a second wave of fish were added to the saltwater aquarium as recently as yesterday.

"We heard they got some new fish but heck if anyone is saying anything about it," said Aubrey, our community tank's largest marble molly. "Apparently salt deludes one's ability to have good manners.

It is just beyond my comprehension how they can keep quiet about all of this."

Some freshwater fish have started jokingly referring to the saltwater aquarium as Area 51.

"A lot of things are allegedly going on there," said one platy who spoke on condition of anonymity. "All I can tell you is I see funny things happening over there at night -- strange bags of water going in, empty bags going out. They've definitely keeping something alive in that tank."

Another fish suggested dark motives at work.

"This conspiracy of silence leads one to believe they are doing things over there that they shouldn't be," said the anonymous fish source. "What could be it? It could be that they're using human stem cells to generate a race of superfish. That's a distinct possibility."

Fatty Arbuckle the balloon belly molly said she couldn't care less about the motives behind the silence. She simply wants it to end.

"We simply must know what is happening in that aquarium," Fatty said. "We know nothing of them now, and I find that quite intolerable indeed. My God, those fish could be Eurotrash for all we know."

The staff of Salty Speculation could not be reached for comment.

Jimmy Legs threatened with evictionfrom frog-only community aquarium

Aquatic frog Jimmy Legs is in danger of being evicted from the frog-only community tank that took him in last month after tank officials ejected him from our community aquarium.

Citing his aggressive behavior toward Dean and Sammy, frog community manager Rachel Platt says Jimmy is one frog tantrum away from being punished, banished or worse.

"I've threatened him every way I know how," Platt said. "I even told him I might use him to make a batch of frog legs. Nothing seems to scare him out of being a perfect little twit."

Jimmy Legs comes from a broken home. His mother, Cari Heelan, and his father, Tim Baxter, have been embroiled in a long custody battle. In truth, neither owner seems to care much what happens to the frog who has been at the root of a lot of trouble.

Tank officials who have testified during the Legs custody trial stated outside of court that they still suspect Jimmy Legs as the frog who killed Frank "Blue Eyes" Platt, the first frog to ever inhabit the community aquarium. Frank died Sept. 13. The official cause of death remains "natural causes," but officials familiar with the case say there is more to the story.

"Officially, Frank died of starvation," TankKeeper said several weeks ago. "But we have reason to believe Jimmy was actively keeping Frank at bay in order to have more food for himself. If that isn't murder, I don't know what is. At the very least it's negligent homicide."

When reached for comment about Jimmy's perilous situation, Baxter said, "Good. He has lived by the sword. He'll die by the sword."

Cari Heelan is on trial for witchcraft and was unavailable for comment.

Who ya gonna call?People, prepare for the coming of Gozer!

Our little molly Gozer isn't exactly a baby anymore, and Friday he will be released into the general aquarium population.

Gozer was discovered hiding next to Orangejello's crib on the morning of Aug. 3. He experienced unprecedented growth during the first month in the crib with Orangejello, but baby Lollipop has since surpassed him in size. Gozer bears yellow and black markings similar to those of Fatty Arbuckle, who is presumed to be his mother.

While many fish-watchers are excited about the impending release of yet another baby fish, some fish-watchers fear that tank officials have become too complacent since Orangejello's safe release on Sept. 23.

"I just don't see why we can't keep our babies in the crib where they're safe," said Tracy Benbrook, fish-watcher. "I see no pressing need to let them go. Fish are in such a rush to grow up these days. In my day, you didn't leave the crib until you were ready to school."

When tank officials announced the release today, they made it clear that all precautions were being taken.

"We base this decision on the best possible advice," TankKeeper said. "We have consulted with the best ichytologists at PetSmart, who all agreed that it is now safe to free Gozer. In fact, they laughed at us when we told them we've had a fish in a crib for two months. They said two weeks was adequate."

Orangejello has thrived since his release two weeks ago. As expected, the bright orange fish has become one of the most famous fish in our aquarium.

"When you're raising your fry, you hope to instill good values and all that," said Orangejello's owner, Corey Smith. "I am so proud of the kind of fish Orangejello has become. He's really a fantastic little guy."

The Fish Hath Spoken;RenFest voted the lamest attraction in KC

Our fish, who are well travelled and knowledgable about all area attractions, today declared their universal disdain for the Renaissance Festival.

"It is without question the most heinous thing to ever be forced down our turkey-leg eating throats," said George the silver dollar. "The RenFest has no redeeming qualities whatsoever, unless you enjoy walking in horse shit and spending $35 for a dragon-shaped incense burner."

One fish had such a horrible RenFest experience that she vowed never to set fin in that place again.

"Everything about that place is just wrong," Aubrey the marble molly said, "from the 'fairies' wearing Nikes to the 'knights' dueling atop Shetland ponies. Overpriced and underwhelming. Face it, the whole thing sucks."

Our fish were full of praise for other seasonal attractions, including Halloweekends at Worlds of Fun.

"There are so many great things to do in Kansas City this time of year," said the algae eater. "You shouldn't spend any of your precious weekend days at RenFest, or as I affectionately call it, RetchFest. Remember, 'hizzah' is another word for 'this blows.'"

Fish ponder Halloween costume options

Halloween is less than a month away, and our community aquarium fish are busy trying to make crucial costume decisions.

"We are certainly feeling the pressure," said one molly who asked not to be identified. "This office is going to be at the center of the company's Halloween celebration, so we need to look our best."

One fish told Freshwater Adventures that he planned to dress up as Edward Scissorhands but other fish nixed the idea.

"They were afraid I would cut them or cause damage to the aquarium's sealed corners," the fish said. "I think it's bogus but for the sake of tank harmony I'm going to make another choice."

Many of our fish are turning to the web for costume ideas.

"I found some pretty cool costumes on socreepy.com," said Phillip the albino paradise fish. "I think I might order the cat costume for myself. That would be kind of surreal wouldn't it. A cat fish. Yeah, I think I might just do that."