Good Golly, Miss Mollies!

THIRD IN A SERIES: FISH FOTOG
Editor's note: World renowned photographer Aaron Lindberg visited our community aquarium today to capture a day in the life of our favorite fish.

Good Golly, Miss Mollies!
Aubrey the marble molly has grown into one of the world's largest female marble mollies alive today. Owner Terri Spears has obviously done something right. Aubrey survived an ick scare in April that took the life of her companion fish, Coral. Coral was owned by Andrea Turner. In this intimate portrait, Lindberg captures Aubrey swimming along with Mary Admire's sunburst molly and the new as yet un-named marble balloon belly molly. Fishwatchers are hoping these three ladies will bear young soon.

Image copyright 2005 Aaron Lindberg Photo Ventures Limited

New Fish! Team buys six fish in honorof their leader, Dave Admire

Fishwatchers united on Tuesday to add six new fish to the aquarium in honor of Dave Admire, chief interactive officer.

In a brief ceremony Tuesday afternoon, the team gave Dave six new fish to call his own -- a breeding pair of golden Platys, a breeding pair of royal blue Platys and a pair of yellow-tailed tetras.

Dave's fish were released into the general population at 4:20 p.m. Tuesday. After inspecting the six fish, Dave named them as follows:

The royal blue Platys are Maryann and Ginger from the TV classic "Gilligan's Island."
The golden Platys are Mr. and Mrs. Howell.
The yellow-tailed tetras are Professor and Gilligan.

Happy Snap: Mid-aquarium mingling

SECOND IN A SERIES: FISH FOTOG
Editor's note: World renowned photographer Aaron Lindberg visited our community aquarium today to capture a day in the life of our favorite fish.

Mid-tank mingling
The success of any community aquarium is measured not by the number of fish or variance of species, but rather by the comfort that each species develops for others over time. In this image of mid-tank contentment among two platys, a red-tipped shark and a clown loach, Lindberg captures the peace that marks every-day existence in our community aquarium.

Image copyright 2005 Aaron Lindberg Photo Ventures Limited

Fish Fotog captures a moment of Loach Lovin'

FIRST IN A SERIES: FISH FOTOG
Editor's note: World renowned photographer Aaron Lindberg visited our community aquarium today to capture a day in the life of our favorite fish.

Loach Lovin'
Loaches Phish and Whino, owned by Andy Schiller and Tracy Benbrook, respectively, cuddled on the bottom of the aquarium, something they rarely do. The moment was captured by Lindberg's masterful eye. The loaches spend most of their time apart, separately skimming the bottom in search of food.

Image copyright 2005 Aaron Lindberg Photo Ventures Limited

Entertainment Weekly declares animal blogs are dead

Taste-making pop culture rag Entertainment Weekly declared in its most current issue that animal blogs are "Out." The editors at Freshwater Adventures drafted a letter in response, the text of which is reprinted below:

"Dear Entertainment Weekly,

We at Freshwater Adventures would like you to know that the animal blog is not out-moded as you reported in your most current issue. Rather, the animal blog is alive and well. Our blog is an international sensation. Updated daily, we report on the everyday activity within a single community aquarium.

"People love our blog because it is a sign of the times. That one community aquarium represents nothing less and nothing more than a microcosm of modern society. In those fish we see our own hopes and dreams and fears, and in the reporting of these fishes' lives we come closer to an understanding of all that binds this world together.

"We certainly invite you to visit our blog and learn what it means to be a fishwatcher. We believe that once you read about Orangejello, who has more charisma in his dorsal fin that Julia Roberts has in her entire body, you will come to your senses.

"Perhaps then you will stop your Misha Barton-following, Tom Cruise ass-kissing ways and give the people what they want -- all fish, all the time.

"Best regards,
Freshwater Adventures"

Babies United!Orangejello, Gozer butt heads

In a bold move by tank officials, baby fish Orangejello and his younger counterpart, Gozer, were united in a shared crib late Friday afternoon.

It was a moment of tension as TankKeeper lowered Gozer into what for two months has been Orangejello's private domain.

With only Dana Owens, Dave Admire and Kevin Ness standing by, the tiny fish swam apart for several minutes before noticing one another. After a few nips back and forth, the two fish appeared to be taking the new situation in stride.

"I was so worried about my little Gozer fish," said Kevin Ness, the man who discovered Gozer soon after his birth.

"That orange fish is a lot bigger and Gozer is still just a baby."

Tank officials will be monitoring the baby fish through the weekend for any signs of trouble.

When asked if he had any concerns about the fry co-habitation, TankKeeper refused comment.

Clown loach is alive!AWOL fish emerges intact from submerged monument

We've been in the fish news biz for quite some time, but we rarely have the kind of news day that we experienced today.

After a week of tense waiting, Freshwater Adventures was finally prepared to break the news of a clown loach's death.

The bigger of our two clown loaches was last seen Aug. 19, and tank officials and fishwatchers alike were concerned that the big fish had become trapped in his favorite hang-out, the submerged Parthenon.

"The editors met at 3 p.m. and decided that enough time had past," said Freshwater Adventures Editor at Large Gill McFinny. "We were in the midst of publishing his obit when we got word that the fish had emerged from the Parthenon and was scouring the bottom for food."

Tank officials immediately made arrangements to feed the errant fish, which appeared in good health despite its apparent hunger.

"What we have here is your typical Hollywood happy ending," said one relieved fish watcher. "It's not everyday that a fish is saved from the jaws of death at the last minute. It's a miracle, really."

Frog adopts simple name for simple times

Only a few weeks into his new life away from the political hurly-burly of Washington, former president William Jefferson Amphibian has announced that he's changed his name to Jimmy Legs.

"I wanted a name that reflected who I am and where I am at this point in my life," the frog formerly known as Bill Amphibian said. "In Washington, I was William Jefferson Amphibian, world leader, but here, I'm just another bubba in a tank full of bubbas. My new name reflects that."

The Top 10 Dumbest Fish Questions EVER

The TankKeeper shares the Top 10 list of the dumbest questions he's ever been asked with regard to our community aquarium. He also added his answers in parenthesis. Remember, there are no
stupid questions, just stupid people.

1. How do you know you're not overfeeding them? (they're alive, aren't they?)
2. What is that black thing floating there? (fish poop)
3. Why is that fish so fat? (It was born that way. What's your excuse?)
4. How come we don't have any really colorful fish? (How come you don't fall over more?)
5. Why is that fish chasing that one? (It's called sex. Ever heard of it?)
6. Why do those long fish bury themselves in the rock? (They think you stink, too.)
7. How can a frog stay underwater so long? (They're magic frogs.)
8. Why is the water so murky? (Because that's the way we like it.)
9. What do you do with the fish when they die? (They all get a state funeral in Washington, D.C.)
10. Why can't we get a piranha? (Because we don't like to watch things die. But in your case we're willing to make an exception.)

False alarm! 'Baby' sighting debunked

A report early Wednesday that a baby fish was spotted swimming in our community aquarium was false, authorities revealed moments ago.

"What one person thought was a fetus was actually feces," said an aquarium official who spoke on condition of anonymity. "We were hoping for another baby but we got the poo instead."

The addition last week of a second filtration system has greatly affected water flow inside the community aquarium. Debris that once languished on the bottom now flies around the aquarium, sometimes at great speeds. This flying debris is what officials believe inspired today's false alarm.

"It's not unusual for people to see something rush by, and we certainly understand why someone would see that and think we have another baby in our aquarium," the tank official said. "We expect more of these sightings in the future."

Teenage fish begin to ponder college options

Some of our community fish are nearing the end of their high schooling days. These fish are already starting to wonder, 'Where will I go to college?"

"I wish there was a web site where I could go to find career-focused colleges near me," said one of the zebra danios now considering her education options. "It would be so convenient to just go online, type in my zip code and get a list of schools that offer the training I need for the career I deserve."

Other fish agreed that such a web site would be cool.

"But you know what I'd also like?" the danio added. "I think it would be really cool if there was a site out there that featured a bald white guy in a Superman costume flying across the screen. That would be so narly."

Yes, the fish seem to agree, this would also be cool. Someday.

And We'll Have Fun, Fun, FunTill Daddy Takes OrangeJello Away

When does a baby fish outgrow his crib? It's an age-old question that has been asked a lot in recent days with regard to Orangejello.

"When are you going to cut that guy loose?" asked one fishwatcher.

"Isn't he big enough yet?" asked another.

The answer has remained the same for several weeks. Tank officials concerned by the disappearance of neon tetras say they wouldn't consider releasing Orangejello until he exceeds the smallest tetra in size.

"To be honest, we may never release him," TankKeeper remarked recently. "He's happy and well-fed. His crib doesn't take up much space. It's a happy arrangement. Why would we risk losing our star fish simply because a few people have called him a 'Mama's boy'?"

Orangejello's grandmother has heard it all from her seat near the community aquarium, and her toes curl at the mere mention of the word "release."

"My little grandbaby is fine where he is," said Corey Smith. "Why would people want to go and mess with him? It's a private family decision. End of story."

Smith has grown weary of the entire debate. She thinks people should spend less time worrying about Orangejello and more time worrying about their jobs.

Orangejello's case has stirred a different kind of debate among state politicians.

"Here in Kansas, the line is blurred even further than it might be somewhere else," TankKeeper said. "I mean, you can't even get a decent lesson on evolution here. So how are we to know when it's time for the baby fish to leave the crib?"

Tank officials declined to set a timeline for Orangejello's possible release. TankKeeper added that such a move could be months, perhaps even years, away.

Fish in talks to star in new MTV reality series

MTV has approached the fish of our community aquarium with an interesting offer. The television network wants to sign the fish to an exclusive one-year contract for a new reality series called "Tank."

"We see the show as a mix of 'The Real World' and 'Cribs'," said DeeDee Jumanji, vice president of development for MTV. "We think the fish have star quality, and the concept is testing through the roof."

The contract has brought a bit of controversy to the aquarium. Rumor has it that Orangejello is seeking a separate deal that would give him a solo show. The other fish are miffed that one fish would be breaking out on his own.

"Mr. Jello feels that his talents would best be showcased in a leading role of a solo series," said Talia Tetra, Orangejello's agent. "Orangejello's wit and charm might be wasted if it were to be watered down by an ensemble format. We believe the public has a desire to see an all-Orangejello, all-the-time kind of thing."

Freshwater Adventures was able to obtain an early draft of the script for the "Tank" pilot. The opening page says "This is a show about a tank full of adventures and the fish who inhabit it. This is a show about what happens when fish stop pretending and start being real."

Special Guest!Joan Rivers drops by tankto talk about style, dish fish

Comedienne and style commentator Joan Rivers dropped in for a short visit to the community aquarium on Wednesday night. Rivers, 72, was en route to a performance at the New Theater in Overland Park. She said she wanted to stop by and see the fish that are gaining such international acclaim for their style and aplomb.

"When I heard about these amazing fish from Kansas, I told my daughter Melissa, 'Who knew they had water in Kansas?' Hell, I didn't even know you COULD take a shower there. Anyway, I just had to come and see this for myself."

Rivers was full of praise for Orangejello.

"That fish is gorgeous!" said Rivers. "Those eyes, that bright coloring ... and the distinctive marking on the tailfin! I want to wrap that little fish up and take it home with me!"

True to form, Rivers was less than flattering when describing other fish in the aquarium. When she spotted the new marble molly, Rivers did not even attempt to hide her contempt.

"God, who wears polka dots anymore?" Rivers asked, shaking her head. "That fish should be scaled and served on a platter. It's off to the sushi bar with you, little missy."

Rivers was equally inflammatory when discussing the red-hued dwarf gouramis.

"Oh, that poor ugly thing," she remarked. "Honey, if you're shaped like a pear with an ass like Roseanne, at least have the decency to hide behind a fake plant. And that rust color is HORRIBLE. She looks like a big rusty piece of crap."

While the fish were unmoved by the criticism, at least one fishwatcher was underwhelmed by Rivers' visit.

"I find her about as relevant as the AMC Pacer," said Tracy Benbrook. "Why should we care what some pasty old hag thinks about our fish, anyway?"

Knuckles McGee voted Most Hated Fish of 2005

A recent survey of fish and fishwatchers revealed that Knuckles McGee is the Most Hated Fish of 2005. McGee narrowly defeated Kong in the most hated category of the survey, which was conducted by Fish Tails Illustrated last month.

McGee received 412 votes to Kong's 259. While the survey didn't ask respondents to state a reason for the vote, McGee's penchant for harassment of other fish has been widely reported in the press for several weeks.

McGee's owner, Guy Fish, could not be reached for comment. Knuckles seemed unfazed by the annoucement.

In with the new frog,down with the pollywog

Our new frog, William Jefferson Amphibian, makes Frank the Frog look like a pollywog among frogs. The new frog if more outgoing and adventurous than the frog we have all come to know and love for his bizarre penchant for secrecy.

While Frank spends most of his time hiding under foliage, Slick Willy as he has come to be known spends large amounts of time exploring the tank bottom or swimming up and down the tank walls.

"We didn't know a frog could be so freakin' charming," said Dana Owens, fish-watcher and occasional frog-hater. "It seems we were wrong to judge all frogs by the actions of one silly pollywog like Frank."

This news comes as no surprise to Slick Willy's old Hollywood friends, who are quick to point out that the frog made a name for himself as a model for a name-brand line of frog and tadpole food products in the late 1990s.

"He was big, man. Huge, even," said a frog who remembers Slick Willy's TinselTown days. "He wanted to be a hand model but he doesn't, you know, have hands. That held him back from his dream, you know."

Other newcomers to the aquarium are the three new female mollies that have successfully divided the attentions that Knuckles McGee, male marauder of the deep, once focused solely on Fatty Arbuckle.

It is hoped that the addition of more female mollies will lead to the splish-splash of more baby fish in the near future.

A nice Monday surprise!

Our community aquarium gained four new residents today, making for a nice Monday surprise.

Three new female mollies were added the aquarium with the express purpose of giving Fatty Arbuckle a break from Knuckle McGee's constant advances. It is hoped that he will spread the love among the other females rather than picking solely on poor Fatty.

Another Frog was added to the aquarium -- William Jefferson Amphibian. Now Frank the Frog will have an ally in a tank full of fish.

Fish fail to recognize business casual day

In a bold move that has H.R. professionals reviewing company policies and employee handbooks, the fish of our community aquarium today failed to recognize the business casual dress requirement that was first announced on Monday.

"It's something we never expected," said Dory Winn, human resources manager. "We are carefully reviewing policies in order to find the most practicable solution to this failure to comply with a direct order."

The fish appear unfazed by their faux pas, and it does not appear that their failure to dress business casual is part of any coordinated rebellion against authority.

"If we were just talking about a few fish here, we probably wouldn't have given it a second thought," Winn added. "But not a single fish bothered to dress up. I mean, not one! I would be happy if I saw even one fish in a pair of Dockers and a button-down shirt. I mean, how hard is it to do that?"

Disciplinary options include denying the fish television privileges, spanking them or withholding food. Winn said she expected the H.R. department to arrive at a solution by noon.

The fish who we contacted for this story declined to comment on this pressing personnel issue, citing lawyer-fish confidentiality.

Terrence: We Hardly Knew Ye

A light rain fell Friday morning as a lone worker stepped out onto the concourse and lowered the house flag to half-staff.

Terrence, one of two albino paradise fish that joined the community aquarium only last month, died overnight just hours after being stricken by an unknown ailment.

Philip, the surviving paradise fish, is being closely monitored by tank officials for signs of illness or distress. At present, Phillip appears to be sufferering from nothing more than the intense grief of losing his fellow paradise fish and friend.

Little is known about the optimal conditions for paradise fish, which are a distant cousin to the gourami.

"We knew he was sick but we had no idea it was so serious," said Princess Leia, the most beautiful blue dwarf gourami ever. "He was a nice fish and a good neighbor. He will be missed."

The fish's owner, Kevin Ness, is determined to remember the good times.

"They were both the life of the party," Ness said. "I have received many a letter today from fish who said he was the liveliest, happiest fish they ever met."

Funeral arrangements (all events private) are being undertaken by the firm of Flush Brothers, Inc.

Terrence clings to life; Phillip says tearful goodbye

Terrence the albino Paradise Fish clings to life at this hour with friends and family rushing to bid farewell to a fish that only yesterday was the picture of health. Phillip was among the few fish granted a private visit with the dying fish.

Illness came quickly to the larger of the albino Paradise Fish. He was discovered floating precariously at tank top at 11 a.m. By 11:15 a.m., death appeared imminent as Terrence's list became more pronounced, his breathing slowed extraordinarily.

Doctors who examined Terrence at 11:00 a.m. quickly delivered a grim prognosis. Phillip was summoned to his friend's side, and a deathbed conversation ensued. Even as the two old friends chatted Terrence's vital signs dipped far below the norm. "My Heart Will Go On" could be heard playing in the distance, faintly.

"He's a very sick fish and we are very, very sad," said one family member who was waiting for a chance to see Terrence. "We all love him very much."

It was only last month that Terrence and Phillip arrived in the community aquarium. As the newest additions they quickly became the star attractions of an aquarium already full of celebrity fish. The fish were known for their docile nature and beautiful red coloring on their sides and back fins.

Now, as the line of family and friends wait their turn to bid Terrence farewell, the fish is being remembered as a gentle figure who lived life to the fullest.

Fatty vs. Knuckles!Fed-up molly files suit

In a case that is sure to garner media attention for months, Fatty Arbuckle today filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against tank-mate

Knuckles McGee.

A copy of the legal petition, now on file with the Johnson County District Attorney's Office, reveals the cause for complaint as "persistent

and increasingly hostile sexual advances made without approval or consent."

None of this comes as a surprise to fish and fishwatchers.

"That boy has been bothering poor Fatty for weeks," said one eyewitness who chose to remain anonymous, lest she be subpoenaed.

"We did everything we could to try and stop him. We tapped the glass, shook our fingers at him. We even put him in isolation for day.

Nothing has helped. He chases her around the tank constantly."

Legal experts who were interviewed for this story all agreed that the case has merit. The case could reach trial in a matter of days, and a jury would most assuredly be sequestered due to the international fame Fatty gained during her recent pregancy scare.

Freshwater Adventures filed a petition with the judge advocate late this afternoon to keep the courtroom open for reporters and television cameras. CourtTV has already promised to send its chief correspondent, Terry Moran, should the case ever go to trial. Geraldo Rivera is also said to be interested in the case.

Attorneys for both sides declined comment. Fatty Arbuckle owner Cari Heelan and Knuckles McGee owner Guy Fish also declined to be interviewed for this story.

WORLD EXCLUSIVE!!!First darling photos of baby Gozer!

Since his birth on Aug. 3, Gozer has charmed fish and fishwatchers alike with his tiny good looks and spotted coloring. Today, for the first time, our staff photographer was able to capture semi-clear images of the baby fish in the isolation tank that is his temporary home.

Gozer's origins remain a mystery, with the identity of his parents cloaked by the difficulty of matching adult fish to the hard-to-discern looks of the fry. Authorities said today that they have several leads concerning the birth mother, but little information is coming in about the possible father.

"Gozer is so beautiful, we cannot rule out the possibility that he was simply formed into being by Emporer Palpatine," said the TankKeeper. "As history teaches us, Sith lords do have the power to create life by using the Force to concentrate midichlorians, making them gel and turn into something they never were before -- something alive."

SCANDAL ROCKS AQUARIUMKnuckles McGee a Deadbeat Dad!

The Fish Tails tabloid went to press today with a headline that has sent shockwaves through this fish community -- KNUCKLES CONFESSES, 'I'M A DEADBEAT DAD.'

The story soon spread throughout the aquarium, leaving fish and fishwatchers stunned.

In the cover story, Knuckles is quoting as having told a friend, "I am a rotten father. I don't even know how many fry I have fathered, or where they are now. I guess you could say I'm pretty much a loser."

Knuckles' week was already off to a rocky start amid rumors that he might be banished from the aquarium for what one fishwatcher called "his non-stop horndog humping" of Fatty Arbuckle, who just last month was the subject of a pregnancy scare that made headlines worldwide.

"If you saw the way that man chases her," said Dana Owens, fishwatcher and founder of the Dorothy Jean Memorial Hospital for Suicidal and Death-Bound Fish. "Poor Fatty is going to die from exhaustion from being constantly chased unless we intervene and separate Knuckles."

Authorities are now reviewing Knuckle's financial records to determine what sort of fines and fees are appropriate in this case.

"The bastard children of Knuckles McGee will be taken care of, I assure you," said the tankkeeper. "They will get what is rightfully theirs."


Knuckles McGee could not be reached for comment. Fatty Arbuckle is only capable of panting these days.

The first fish vampire? Baby fails to show up on film

Our photographers attempt to take the first official pictures of baby Gozer failed today, leading us to wonder what would prevent the small fry from registering on film.

"We have several theories," said Nourisha Wells, staff photogapher for Freshwater Adventures, "but the prevailing notion right now is vampirism."

Nourisha took a series of six photographs of the baby fish, but when the editors at Freshwater Adventures reviewed the images, no sign of the little fish could be found.

"It is a puzzler," Wells said. "What is sad is now we won't be able to share a photograph of our beautiful new baby fish with the world."

Wells was able to capture a new image of Orangejello, our now teen-aged baby.

Gozer celebrates his first day alive!

Our baby fish has a new name; it's G-O-Z-E-R.

Kevin Ness, who discovered the baby fry Wednesday morning, was given the honor of naming our newest fish. The baby fry spent much of his first day in a bowl in Cari and Wade's office. He was released late Wednesday, however, into a glass crib, where continued growth is assured.

"We are going to have to wait until this little fish is older for signs as to his or her parents," said TankKeeper during a noon-time press conference. "We have a few suspects, but the evidence is far from conclusive."

Veteran fishwatcher Tracy Benbrook missed the birth event today. She was serving jury duty and could not be reached for comment.

Stay tuned to Freshwater Adventures for updates. Tomorrow: Live pictures from Gozer's crib!

Baby!Aquarium welcomes new arrival

A new fry was discovered in our community aquarium today. Little is known about the tiny fish that was discovered at about 10:50 a.m. hiding between Orangejello's crib and the tank side.

The fry has dark coloring along its tail and back, while the front is lighter. The tiny fish's lineage has not yet been established, but Goldie Huey, the golden molly belonging to Billie Huey, has been isolated on suspicion of pregnancy.

Stay tuned for updates about this breaking story ...