Fish poll reveals:Everyone does not love 'Raymond'

More than 80 percent of our community aquarium fish population hated the TV sitcom "Everyone Loves Raymond, a new fish survey reveals.

"Duh," said one tetra who took part in the survey. "That show was pure crap. The characters were whiny, pathetic creatures. The storylines were about as exciting as an audit."

The show, which starred so-called comedian Ray Romano and a cast of forgettables, lasted 10 wretched seasons.

"I think that show should be shown to people in prison," said a gourami who wasn't part of the survey but who is adamant in his hatred of the show. "It is worse than torture. It should go down as one of the worst TV shows ever -- along with 'Blossom' and 'Gimme a Break.'"

Blossom was unavailable for comment. Nell Carter is dead.

Parthenon renovation underway:$12 project will seal gapin upper level of famed monument

Parthenon, the aquarium’s most famous monument, is undergoing a $12 renovation project that will seal a gap that has allowed fish to hide in the building’s inner structure.

Our clown loaches, owned by Eric Jones and Matt Brummett, became famous for living inside the structure. The fish are now trying to find refuge elsewhere, but hiding spots in our aquarium are few and far between.

“I’m glad they are finally patching the hole in that thing,” said Brummett. “I was always worried that my fish was going to get trapped in there and die. He may be freaking out about this right now, but later he’ll thank us for this.”

The monument will remain closed through the weekend and is expected to reopen on Monday.

Princess Leia dies of head wound

A head wound of unknown origin today claimed the life of Princess Leia, a dwarf blue gourami. Leia was one of two dwarf blue gouramis who arrived in our aquarium on Friday, April 15. Leia's counterpart, Luke, died June 9 of a gill fungus.

Since Luke's death three months ago, Leia was a solitary figure in our aquarium. When she wasn't leading the fish rebellion, she was often seen hiding between the stately columns of the Parthenon.

"She was a very gallant fish," said one sad fish-watcher. "What was she like? She was like most fish. Smarter, sure. Funnier, yes. And so charming."

Luke and Leia were pioneers, meaning they were among the first group of fish to be added to our community aquarium. Leia is the 33rd fish to die in our aquarium this year.

"Stupid people have asked me when we're replacing her," said TankKeeper during his afternoon press conference. "There is no replacing her."

Wade Sisson, Leia's owner, declined to be interviewed for this story but did release a statement through his press secretary.

"Princess Leia was a part of our aquarium for five remarkable months. She will never really leave us."

The Liquid Education project has been renamed the Princess Leia Shrine of Knowledge in honor of the late gourami whose contributions to education and freedom were well-known.

A funeral is scheduled for this evening at St. Ignatius Loyola. All events private.

Newbies bring in new fish!

Our community aquarium gained five new fish today, the result of a pet store foray by four of our newer employees.

Kelly purchased a large silver Hatchetfish. Linda Chae purchased a black-striped Tetra, which she named Ducky. Laura Adams bought a marble molly, which she has named Domino, to join our molly pride.

Rachel Gersh purchased two glass catfish to join the larger pair already established in our aquarium. So far the new arrivals appear to be healthy and are doing well in their new home.

New report reveals:Death claims 32 so far in 2005;Most die at fins of assassins

Death has claimed 32 lives in our community aquarium since it opened in April, according to a new report released Tuesday by tank officials. The leading cause of death was assassination.

In its comprehensive Report on Fish Welfare and Aquarium Safety, the community aquarium governing board included details about all 32 fatalities.

Assassination was the leading cause of death, claiming 17 lives so far this year. Natural causes was the second biggest killer, taking 7 lives. The dread fish disease ick came in third with six fatalities. One death was suicide, and another death's cause remained undetermined.

"We want the fish-watching public to understand that while 32 deaths may seem like a very high number, we are dealing with delicate creatures and a rather formidable force - mother nature," said TankKeeper in a press conference Tuesday night. "In many cases, death came during the on-going fight for autonomy among many species in tight quarters. Literally, survival of the fittest, as it were."

When asked about the unusually high number of assassinations, tank officials were quick to point out that 12 of the 17 deaths by assassination occurred on the same day.

"For us, July 18 was a particularly deadly day," said TankKeeper. "On that day we lost 12 ghost shrimp in an appalling day of murder and mayhem. The entire ghost shrimp population was brutally slaughtered on that day by maniacal cannibalistic fish. That one day really skewed the overall death numbers."

What follows are details about all 32 fatalities as reported to officials:

Victim No. 32
Date: Sept. 24
Victim: Un-named Golden Molly
Owner: Billie Huey
Cause of death: Undetermined

Victim No. 31
Date: Sept. 16
Victim: Baby molly Licorice
Owner: None
Cause of death: Natural causes

Victim No. 30
Date: Sept. 14
Victim: Un-named black molly
Owner: None
Cause of death: Natural causes (Septic shock secondary to congenital intestinal stenosis)

Victim No. 29
Date: Sept. 13
Victim: Frank the Frog
Owner: Rachel Platt
Cause of death: Natural causes

Victim No. 28
Date: Sept. 1
Victim: Jane Doe the balloon belly molly
Owner: Cari Heelan
Cause of death: Assassination (chased by paparazzi)

Victim No. 27
Date: Aug. 11
Victim: Terrence the albino paradise fish
Owner: Kevin Ness
Cause of death: Natural causes

Victims Nos. 26 through 15
Date: July 18
Victim: Dozen ghost shrimp
Owner: Wade Sisson
Cause of death: Assassination/feeding frenzy by larger fish

Victims Nos. 14 through 12
Date: July 15
Victim: Three neon tetras
Owner: Cari Heelan
Cause of Death: Assassination

Victim No. 11
Date: July 13
Victim: Red black-tailed molly
Owner: Zac Lavicky
Cause of death: Natural causes

Victim No. 10
Date: July 5
Victim: Female Mickey Mouse Platy (Orangejello's mother)
Owner: Corey Smith
Cause of death: Committed suicide after eating own babies

Victim No. 9
Date: June 27
Victim: Hatchetfish
Owner: Betsy Wilhite
Cause of death: Ick

Victim No. 8
Date: June 9
Victim: Luke the blue dwarf gourami
Owner: Wade Sisson
Cause of death: Natural causes

Victim No. 7
Date: June 10
Victim: Irwin the bala shark
Owner: Jamon Abercrombie
Cause of death: Ick

Victim No. 6
Date: May 6
Victim: Pandamonium the Panda Cory Catfish
Owner: Jen Brown
Cause of death: Ick

Victims Nos. 5 and 4
Date: May 9
Victim: Remaining pair of Cory Catfish
Owner: Jennifer Brown
Cause of deaths: Ick

Victim No. 3
Date: April 26
Victim: Cory the catfish
Owner: Eric Bowlin
Cause of death: Ick

Victim No. 2
Date: April 16
Victim: Coral the female marble molly
Owner: Andrea Turner
Cause of death: Natural causes

Victim No. 1
Date: April 15
Victim: Darf the black male molly
Owner: Tim Baxter
Cause of death: Assassination

Jimmy Legs at center of nasty custody battle

Dueling parents are fighting for custody of aquatic frog Jimmy Legs, Freshwater Adventures has learned. In a case reminiscent of Kramer vs. Kramer, the tiny frog finds himself being manipulated by both sides of his family tree.

Cari Heelan filed a petition with Aqua District Court on Monday in which she requested full custody of Jimmy Legs. The petition was promptly followed by a counter-petition from Tim Baxter, who also seeks full custody.

Heelan purchased Jimmy Legs on Aug. 15 but never named him. Tank officials later granted Tim Baxter the right to name the new frog. Lawyers for Heelan are expected to argue that because Heelan bought the frog, it is hers by right. Attorneys for Baxter are expected to argue that Heelan is a devil worshipper and therefore unfit to raise a frog.

"She's just going to use him in some potion or some strange thing like that," said Miss Demeanor, Baxter's lead counsel. "That woman is always up to something. Most people borrow a cup of sugar or an occasional egg. With her it's 'Do you have an eye of newt' or 'Could I trouble you for a hair off a hog's back?' She's obviously a practicing witch or worse."

The case could go to trial as early as next week. The filing comes only two weeks after the tragic death of Frank "Blue Eyes" Platt and Jimmy's transfer to a frog-only aquarium.

Rachel Platt, who manages the frog-only aquarium where Jimmy currently resides, says the little frog seems unfazed by what is certain to be a huge media event.

"He just continues to swim and poop with a sort of devil-may-care detachment," Platt said. "Personally, the whole thing makes me ill. I mean, Heelan and Baxter? Every feeling revolts. I always said their kids would have webbed feet, and by golly I was right!"

Jimmy is said to be focused on his studies even as the media spotlight turns his way. The frog, a junior at Ribbitt University in suburban Toadstool, is scheduled to graduate in 2007 with a degree in General Amphibious Studies.

Programmer mourns loss of golden molly

Freshwater Adventures has learned that the dead fish discovered on Saturday has been identified as the golden molly owned by programmer Billie Huey.

The molly was one of two fish added to the community aquarium on May 5. The other fish, a golden molly owned by Mary Admire, was the larger of the two. It survives.

Tank officials were distressed by this latest death in the aquarium.

"Last week we put this fish on our pregnancy watch list due to swelling of the abdomen," said one tank official. "It's a tragic loss for the aquarium whenever we lose a fish, but most especially when the victim was a potential mother."

Huey was unavailable for comment. A private burial took place this morning under the auspices of Flush Brothers, Inc.

Fish dies over weekendEarly reports fail to identify body

NEWS FLASH -- An unknown fish died over the weekend. Reuters is reporting that a fish was discovered dead on Saturday afternoon and removed from the aquarium. In a terse and incomplete message sent to this newspaper on Saturday evening, it was reported that a fish body was being sent to the community morgue for identification.

Tank officials were unavailable for comment, and no further details were available at press time Sunday night.

This news was most unwelcome, coming as it did just one day after the release of adolescent platy Orangejello. It is hoped that the little fish is safe and sound. All attempts to verify his current status have failed. Freshwater Adventures will provide an update as soon as possible, likely on Monday morning.

Orangejello is free!Adolescent fish doing fineamong other aquarium fish

It will be a day long remembered. Orangejello, our fish successful aquarium birth, was released from his crib at 3:05 p.m. today before a standing-room-only crowd of anxious fish-watchers.

"It was so moving," said Marcella Vasconcellos, the most emotional member of the IAE team. "That brave little fish just swam off into the tank and immediately, he was accepted as one of the crowd. It reminded me of when I first came here from Brazil. I was new, but then people like Jeff Pacheco took me under their wings. It wasn't until later that I learned what a huge dork he was. But, you know, you have to start somewhere."

The moment of release, which had been widely anticipated for weeks, came just after 3 p.m. as office workers converged on the aquarium.

Orangejello's guardian, Corey Smith, said a few words to the gathered crowd.

"I want to thank all of you for watching over our little fish," Smith said, clearly moved by the crowd and the tension of the moment. "Please stay tuned to the blog for updates as he continues to learn and grow."

TankKeeper removed the lid of the plastic crib at 3:05 p.m., and as the crib was submerged into the abyss Orangejello swam free, getting his first taste of life in the big aquarium since he was discovered in the aquarium three months ago.

"Orangejello has become like a part of the family here, and I am just so happy to see how he's taken to life in the big pond," said Jennifer Brown, who organized the release party. "We wanted today to be really special because this is a big day for Orangejello and his fellow fish."

Orangejello stayed close to the water's surface for a few moments before daring to swim to the tank bottom. Other fish seemed to pay him little mind, except from an occasional glance from the red-tailed sharks.

After ten minutes of worry that perhaps some fish might harm the little fish, Smith seemed relieved that her fish was holding his own.

"A day I have always dreaded has turned into one of the happiest I have known at this office," Smith said. "I want to thank everyone who made this day possible. Now we can all watch our baby grow up together."

Tank officials are monitoring the behavior of other fish but so fear have no reason to fear for the safety of Orangejello. TankKeeper refused to speculate about release dates for our other babies -- Lollipop, LemonDrop and Gozer. The three baby fish continue to grow in their net crib, to which Gozer was added today. Gozer and Orangejello were agreeable cribmates until today's release.

"We're going to just let nature take its course," said TankKeeper. "When we feel that the babies are strong enough to survive in the main tank, we will release them as well."

Fish-watchers who attended Orangejello's release party received commemorative "I Helped Free Orangejello" medallions along with fish crackers. A wonderful fish-shaped cake was served to revelers after the release.

Dark side of fame:Orangejello-haters are among us!

Among the smiling faces and cheering throngs on Friday lurked a meaner, uglier kind of fish-watcher -- the Orangejello-haters.

"Who wants to bet he gets eaten in the first minute," said one Orangejello hater minutes before the tiny fish's release.

Another fish-hater laughed at the comment and added, "Let's catch him and take him to a sushi restaurant."

Such sentiments have always been out there in the blogosphere, but now that the little fish is free of his protective crib, the barbs and attacks seem to have increased.

"Am I surprised by it? No," said Orangejello's keeper, Corey Smith. "Disappointed, yes. Disgusted, of course. I mean, what kind of person would wish harm on a little fish? Sickos. Wackos. PPC people."

Orangejello-haters tend to keep fairly quiet as they are the clear minority in an office that overwhelmingly has fallen under the spell of a certain orange fish and his on-going adventures.

Party time:Orangejello release set for today!

They grow up so fast! Our baby mickey mouse platy isn't a baby anymore. Orangejello is set to be released today from the plastic crib that has been his home since his birth in June.

"This is an historic day for our aquarium and for the world," said TankKeeper. "Today we release the first fish born in our aquarium into the general population. Orangejello is already famous for his bright colors and charm. We look forward to seeing his interaction with the other fish."

Party planner Jennifer Brown has been hard at work preparing the office for this afternoon's festivities, which start at 3 p.m. with the actual release. A specially commissioned fish cake, fashioned after Orangejello himself, arrived this morning. Special badges that declare "I helped free Orangejello" await party-goers, as do specially-made gift bags filled with goldfish crackers.

Orangejello's owner, Corey Smith, has been an active guardian over her baby fry. It was Smith who agreed two weeks ago that the time had come to release the little fish into the big pond.

"He's always going to be my baby," Smith said, "but I know that it's time to let him spread his fins and swim. I'm nervous but excited."

Fish volunteer to overseeoffice work during off-site dinner

Our fish have graciously volunteered to oversee all functions of the internet office while the entire division attends a dinner at the home of Dave and Mary Admire. The dinner, announced last week, is a celebration of the team's surpassing of last month's revenue goals.

"We thought it would be a nice gesture," said Knuckles McGee, black male molly and deputy PPC manager for the afternoon. "Of course, we warned the team that if something looks fishy with PPC results tomorrow, it's because we were in charge."

This marks the second time animals have been put in charge of decision-making at the internet office. The last time was in March, when monkeys helped Steven Soendker get dressed for work.

Noted fish author declares:America is on the decline

America reached its peak during the 1960s and has been in decline ever since, according to a new book written by Lucas, one of two silver dollars in our fish aquarium. Lucas is known for his social activism and literary prose. His new book, "America's Last Gasp," just made The New York Times bestseller list.

"When one examines the post-Cold War decline of the urban core, coupled with the implications of the global economy and the decline of autonomous government, the message is clear: America is on the decline," said Lucas. "We don't have the prestige or the power that we once had, and we're losing more ground each day."

Critics of the book argue that Lucas spends too much time on economic matters and fails to address America's military and political might.

"His central thesis is hinged on the notion that our cities are in decay, therefore America is rotting from the inside out," said Hubert Guppy, book critic for The New Republic. "What he fails to state is that America's position as watchman of the world has never been stronger. It's a critical failing in my view."

The author maintains, however, that evidence of a country in decline is everywhere to be seen.

"You can see it in the faces of the starving families," Lucas said. "You can see it in crumbling bridges, in mangled highways, in closed-down stores and run-down houses. America is sinking fast, and there's no one standing by to rescue her."

At the current rate of decline, Lucas estimates that America will be a third world country in time for television's Sweeps Week 2011.

Security preparations continue inadvance of Orangejello's release

Tank officials are taking every precaution to ensure Orangejello's safety when he is released into the general population on Friday afternoon.

They've analyzed every potential threat. They've check water quality. They've even removed the only remaining frog.

Jimmy Leggs the frog has shown an interest in Orangejello and Gozer and is often found lurking near the isolation crib's access hatch. Concerned fish-watchers and alert tank officials decided the frog threat warranted further investigation.

"After consulting with local frog experts, we realized that Jimmy Leggs does pose a threat to Orangejello," TankKeeper said Monday night. "We are going to remove Jimmy to the Frank the Frog Memorial Frog Farm where he can be among his kind without the temptation of live food that he has now in the community aquarium."

Celebration!Aquarium kicks off Orangejello week

Our community aquarium began a week-long celebration this week as it prepares for Friday's release of Orangejello into the general aquarium population.

"It's a very exciting week for us," said Aubrey the marble molly. "We just can't wait to have Orangejello out here with us. This week is going to be one long party."

Party planner Jennifer Brown has been making arrangements since the release party was announced two weeks ago. The festivities should be quite impressive.

Orangejello is one of the most famous fish in the world. Since his birth in June, the tiny molly has been the subject of numerous articles, photographs and videos.

"He's our superstar," said Freshwater Adventures Publisher William Randolph SeaHorse. "Charm. Charisma. Allure. Whatever you want to call it, Orangejello has it in spades."

Licorice found dead in crib;remaining Corner Triplets safe

Baby Licorice was found dead in his crib exactly one week after his birth.

The first of the so-called Corner Triplets to be discovered and placed in isolation last week, Licorice was the larger of the sibling group that includes Lollipop and Lemon Drop.

Tank officials said that a fish-watcher discovered Licorice's body pinned between a blue support structure and the bottom of the crib net. Big fish from the community aquarium were nibbling on the body from underneath the net when the grim discovery was made.

"We suspect this baby fish was always sickly," TankKeeper said today. "He had a propensity for hiding under the support beam from the day he was discovered. That's just not healthy fish behavior. Our report says he died of natural causes."

Tank officials denied rumors that Licorice was killed by an attack from fish outside the net crib. They said the attacks occurred post-mortem.

"Whenever we lose a fish it's a sad day," TankKeeper said. "It's especially hard to lose a baby. We have carefully examined the surviving babies and found them to be perfectly healthy."

Tank officials conferred this morning and determined that the death of baby Licorice will not cause a delay in Orangejello's release, scheduled for next Friday.

Fish wondering when they'llbe offered free doughnuts

A cart filled with fresh doughnuts sped past the community aquarium just as the office was springing to life. The sweet smell of confectionary bliss wafted over the tank, and once again the fish wondered, "Where are our doughnuts?"

In an letter penned anonymously and sent to this newspaper this morning, a fish writer wrote that "the humans are always gorging themselves on such treats as doughnuts and bagles and candy and cake. Where are our treats?"

Another fish called into a morning radio show today with a similar complaint.

"It's a virtual orgy of food here everyday, and those humans are plumping themselves up like Thanksgiving turkeys," said the fish caller. "Meanwhile, what do they feed us? A combination of mayfly eggs, shrimp entrails and dog food residue. There is something wrong with this picture."

Clients won over by our freshwater aquarium

A large chain of schools opted to hire PlattForm today merely on the basis of our freshwater fish aquarium.

During an obligatory tour of the interactive office, the client was amazed by our aquarium and all the fish in it.

"For us it isn't what you know about SEO," said Frank Klyman, president of VoCational Schools Inc. "For us, it's how you handle the poo. We can tell from your fish aquarium that you know how to rid the world of poo, so we're trusting you with our marketing budget."

We can neither confirm nor deny that Orangejello was approached about a career in admissions recruitment.

Death of a black molly

An un-named black molly who was added to our aquarium one month ago died overnight of a severe infection.

Doctors had monitored the fish for several days due to sluggish swimming and what appeared to be an infected wound. Tank officials moved the ailing fish to Dorothy Jean Memorial Hospital last night, where huge amounts of medication were administered.

The fish never rallied and lapsed into a coma late last night. A private burial took place this morning under the auspices of Flush Brothers, Inc.

"Few people noticed this little fish," said TankKeeper. "He was sick for most of his time in our aquarium, and he just never really rallied. He tended to stick close to the top of the tank and never made much of an impression on anyone."

Nation mourns Frank the Frog

Frank "Blue Eyes" Platt, our aquarium's first African Dwarf Frog, died today after a brief illness. Frank was one of the pioneering residents of our aquarium. A private funeral is planned.

"We are filled with unspeakable grief at the loss of this great amphibian," said TankKeeper in a prepared statement. "Everyone who knew Frank will always remember him as a shy but charming frog who delighted all with his rare public outings. He will never be forgotten."

Frank is lying in state atop the aquarium today. Tank officials expect numerous mourners to visit the aquarium today to pay their respects during the official day of mourning.

Rachel Platt, Frank's owner, has asked that people contribute to a charity of their choice in lieu of flowers. A private burial will take place tomorrow at an undisclosed location.

Upon hearing of Frank's untimely demise, Rachel's husband, Brandon, bought her a three-gallon aquarium and two new frogs, which she has named Dino and Sandy. The new frogs will live in their own aquarium until they are older. Then, Rachel will decide whether or not to introduce them into the community aquarium.

New frogs have brought some relief on a sad day, but for Frank's friends, the sadness lingers.

Jimmy Leggs, the surviving frog, remembers his tank companion as a gentle soul.

"He wasn't the kind of frog to put on airs," Leggs said. "He died as he lived, with quiet dignity."

World Exclusive!!!Orangejello to be released Sept. 23

Tank officials are planning to release superstar adolescent Orangejello from his crib and into the general aquarium population on Friday, Sept. 23.

The Mickey Mouse Platy, born June 23, has grown steadily in his isolation crib, and tank officials say they are confident the little fish is ready for release.

"We have given the little guy a few months to grow and get comfortable in his surroundings," Tankkeeper said in an exclusive interview with Freshwater Adventures. "It's simply time to leave the nest. We believe he will thrive once he's with the rest of his kind."

Orangejello's guardian, Corey Smith, has always maintained that she would be ready when the day came to release her little fry into the world, and she is true to her world.

"It's very exciting," Smith said from her tank-side home. "Orangejello was meant to spread his fins and swim, and I know great things are in store for him."

Jennifer Brown, party planner to the elite, has been retained to plan the release party details, ensuring that the party will be worthy of the great occasion.

Sister blog launches:Please pass the Salty Speculation

In this day and age, we know one thing for certain. If something is even marginally successful, there WILL be a spinoff. Just look at 90210 (spinoff: Melrose Place), the Gulf War (spinoff: War in Iraq) or Dumb and Dumber (spinoff: The Bush Administration).

Today, we see another more recent example of success spinoffery that hits rather closer to home. The wild popularity of our freshwater community aquarium and its blog, Freshwater Adventures, has spawned a clone across the street. The main office has just unveiled its saltwater aquarium (with fish) and an accompanying blog, Salty Speculation.

"We at Freshwater Adventures welcome our sister blog to the exciting yet highly competitive world of animal blogging," said Freshwater Adventures Publisher William Randolph SeaHorse. "May your blog enjoy the good fortune and loyal readership with which ours has been blessed."

The new blog is located at http://saltyspeculation.blogspot.com.

And baby makes three!A third miracle molly discovered alive!

A third baby molly was discovered hiding in the foliage of our community aquarium today, a full three days after the first two fry were rescued.

Cari Heelan discovered the first fish, Licorice, on Friday morning. A second fish, Lollipop, was found later in the day by fish-watcher and avid blog reader Blythe Gumminger. The third fish, Lemon Drop, was discovered hiding among foliage by Cari Heelan at 1:30 p.m. today.

The Corner Tripletts, so named because they were discovered in the right-hand corner of the aquarium, are the first tripletts to be rescued in our community aquarium. In two previous births, only lone babies were found alive.

"Fry are often eaten as soon as they are born in community tanks, but these tripletts have defied the odds," said TankKeeper in a press conference moments ago. "It's a great day for our community aquarium. We have three healthy babies tucked away in a crib. Good times."

Cari Heelan was ecstatic over her new find and confided to this reporter: "It could be argued that I could spend more time working and less time looking for baby fish. What can I say? I was in between important meetings. Yeah, that's it. This is off the record, right?"

Of course it is, Cari! Silly goose.

Knuckles McGee jailedfollowing harassment charge

Knuckles McGee is incarcerated in an isolation tank this morning on charges that he sexually harassed a balloon belly molly.

A district court ordered the arrest this morning following the filing of a sexual harassment complaint by attorneys representing Fatty Arbuckle. Arbuckle was just released from her weekend-long isolation tank this morning when it was discovered that she had not delivered any more babies.

"My client has been subjected to McGee's harassment for such a long time," said Arbuckle's lead attorney, F. Lee Platy. "This case is long overdue."

This action marks the second harassment charge brought against McGee by Arbuckle, but the first charge, filed on Aug. 8 of this year, never made it to trial. McGee's incarceration suggests that the male molly's legal luck may be running out.

Public opinion seems to favor Arbuckle. After all, it was only a month ago that McGee was voted "Most Hated Fish of 2005."

Corner Twins doing well in net crib

Two baby fish discovered Friday are in excellent health following their first weekend in the
community aquarium, tank officials announced this morning.

Licorice, the larger of the two, is a hearty eater, as is the smaller, as yet un-named sibling.

The Corner Twins, so named because they were discovered in the right-hand corner of the aquarium, are the first twins born in our community aquarium. In two previous births, only lone babies were found alive.

RECORD DAY FOR BIRTHING! Two baby fish discovered in our aquarium

Only hours after baby Licorice was discovered hiding near the glass crib, a second baby fish of similar dark coloring was discovered hiding near the ruins at the right bottom of the tank.

Concierge Blythe Gumminger, who made the amazing discovery at about 4:45 p.m., is now pondering a name for the new miracle baby.

"I came over to see the new baby fish, and that's when I spotted movement in the corner," Gumminger said. "It was such a tiny little thing, but from the way it was moving I could telit was another baby fish."

Gumminger immediately alerted tank officials, who captured the new fry and placed in the same net isolation crib as Licorice.

"We can only assume that this new baby is a sibling to Licorice," said TankKeeper. "Both are of similar coloring, although the newest discovery is noticably smaller than Licorice."

Gossip among fishwatchers has centered around a lineage that includes Fatty Arbuckle and Knuckles McGee, but tank officials say it will be months before any official confirmation of birth parents can be undertaken.

We have a new baby ... just as Nostradamus predicted!

Fish-watchers were amazed today to find another new fish in their community freshwater aquarium. Even more amazing, says fish historian Moll Flounders, is the fact that today's birth appears to have been foreseen by the ancient prophet Nostradamus.

Nostradamus wrote extensively about events in this new century, but the details within the Fifth Quatraine are what caught Flounder's eye. What follows is the full text of the Fifth Quatraine:

"There will appear a small new arrival.
From behind glass orange and his friend bear witness.
From the Parthenon will come great shouts, as
one, only one, comes into the new world."

"If you really examine the fifth quatraine closely, you can see reference to a new arrival. So that's our baby fish," said Flounders. "The birth is witnessed by two beings - one orange and a friend. We think this refers to Orangejello and Gozer. They were, of course, in their glass crib today, so they witnessed the birth from behind glass."

"The rest of the quatraine appears to be a reference to the great celebration that occurred within the aquarium -- notice the reference to the Parthenon -- after the new arrival. Clearly, Nostradamus had our community aquarium in mind when he wrote the Fifth Quatraine."

Baby Licorice!Another single baby discovered in tank

For a third time in our aquarium's history, a lone fish fry was discovered hiding near the top of the aquarium and was rescued.

Cari Heelan discovered the baby fry lodged between the side of the aquarium and the plastic crib at about 8:15 a.m. Heelan named the fish Licorice.

This lone surviving fry has dark coloring and a lineage that remains very much in question. Tank officials were once again unable to pre-determine that any fish was pregnant, so it could be months before the lineage can be determined.

The fry was immediately rescued and placed in the isolation net crib next to Orangejello and Gozer, who continue to share the enclosed plastic crib.

Dave's fish mourn loss of "Gilligan" star

Six new fish were united in grief today as they mourned the loss of their namesake, actor Bob Denver. Denver, who portrayed the title character on TV's classic comedy "Gilligan's Island," died Sept. 2 at age 70.

"We were all named after characters from that show, and we feel this loss very keenly," said Mr. Howell, a golden Platy. "Gilligan was a goofy guy but he made you stand up and cheer for him every episode. You just wanted to see this guy win."

Dave Admire's love for the show "Gilligan's Island" inspired him to name his six fish after characters from the TV show. The royal blue Platys are Maryann and Ginger from the TV classic "Gilligan's Island." The golden Platys are Mr. and Mrs. Howell. The yellow-tailed tetras are Professor and Gilligan.

Currently there are no plans to rename Gilligan in light of the recent tragedy.

"I think rather to let him keep the name," Admire said. "In that way, Gilligan will live on forever."

Fish spend Labor Day Weekendcamping, hunting for humans

An unusual calm fell over the offices of PlattForm Friday afternoon as people and fish departed for the start of a three-day Labor Day weekend that signals the end of summer and one last chance to commune with nature.

For the employees, it was a weekend of camping or relaxing. For the fish of our community aquarium, the three-day weekend offered our gilled friends one more chance to bag a human before the end of hunting season.

"I almost got a big one," said Phillip, the albino paradise fish. "I was using my 'Dinner time!' call and this big human was lumbering toward me, but another human got his attention and he walked off before I could club him. I was so close."

Several fish had more luck, including the tiger loaches, who each bagged the limit of four humans apiece.

"We had a great run of luck hunting from a perch just outside a Wal-Mart," said one of the tiger loaches. "We ambushed a whole family shopping outside the store at one of those sidewalk sales. It was a great day for human hunting. We're going to have enough stew to get us through a whole winter."

E.T. statue welcomes fishto strange new watery home

Every day since our community aquarium arrived, he has sat atop its shiny brown domelight like a lone sentinel,
welcoming frightened new fish to a new home.

Designed by the noted architect S. Spielberg, the gigantic E.T. statue was a gift to the fishes of the aquarium. The statue is meant to symbolize fish being cradled by a protective figure in what for new fish is an alien world.

A small inscription on the bottom of the statue says it best. "Give me your tired, your weak, your huddled masses, and I will create a new home for them in bright blue waters."

The E.T. statue has become something of a tourist attraction atop an aquarium that has no shortage of visitors. It is estimated that more than 80 people visit the aquarium every work day.

Knuckles McGee undergoing treatmentfor severe bacterial eye infection

Knuckles McGee, the black male sailfin molly, was admitted to Dorothy Jean Memorial Hospital today for treatment of what doctors are calling a severe bacterial infection of the eye.

The much-maligned fish, best known for his part in the Fatty Arbuckle pregancy trial, appears to be unharmed by a radical treatment that includes swimming in water filled with high concentrations of anti-fungal medication.

"We remain guarded as to his condition and prognosis," said Dr. Jenkins, head of pathology unit and lead doctor for McGee. "Frankly, these kind of things can very quickly become life-threatening."

Fish-watchers were shocked to learn today that such a strong, vibrant fish should be struck with such a terrible illness.

"We were just watching him harass the other mollies this morning and remarking on his speed and veracity," said Marcella Vasconcellos, anti-Knuckles fish-watcher. "Now he's fighting for his life. It's sad."

A certain amount of fear is understandable, says TankKeeper, who was quick to note that no fish has ever survived more than a few days worth of treatment at Dorothy Jean Memorial Hospital.

"It's just not a happy place," TankKeeper said. "The hospital itself is named for a fish who committed suicide rather than stay there another night. Doesn't that tell you something?"

Guy Fish, Knuckle's owner, was on hand as his sick fish was removed from the community aquarium.

"He's a misunderstood fish," Fish said, "and I sure hope he lives to prove to the world what kind of fish Knuckles McGee really is. We're hopeful."

Silver Dollar Surprise

FOURTH IN A SERIES: FISH FOTOG
Editor's note: World renowned photographer Aaron Lindberg visited our community aquarium today to capture a day in the life of our favorite fish.

Silver Dollar Surprise!
George the Silver Dollar peered out at Lindberg during the aquarium photo shoot. George's counterpart, Lucas, preferred to remain out of camera view. Silver Dollars are docile, shy creatures, but if they live to adulthood they will become one of the larger species in our community aquarium.
Image copyright 2005 Aaron Lindberg Photo Ventures Limited

Private funeral for a very public molly

Jane Doe, our newest balloon belly molly, was only yesterday featured in a Freshwater Adventures cover photo. Today, she is gone.

Doe was found dead early this morning. Her body was quickly removed from the gravel behind the Parthenon.

"At this time we have no reason to suspect foul play," said an unnamed fish official. "It's the kind of thing you expect in a community aquarium. New fish, new environment. Sometimes these things just happen."

Doe did not have family in the area. A private service was conducted this morning with but a few fish-watchers in attendance.

"For as much as it hath pleased, we hereby commit her body to the deep," said the priest as Doe's body was returned to the big pond.