TankKeeper resigns!New regime promises to keep tank clean

The fish world was stunned to learn today that it was losing one of its own. TankKeeper, who for more than a year has

been the principle caretaker for our aquarium and its tropical fish, is leaving to pursue new adventures.

"The decision to leave was a very difficult one," TankKeeper said in a morning news conference. "I have enjoyed working in this space with these fish, but now other waters await me."

Tank officials announced that a new tankkeeper had been appointed and would be disclosed at a future press conference. Fish watchers who attended the press conference expressed varied emotions upon hearing the news of TankKeeper's departure.

"I am sad but I can't say it is a total surprise," said one tearful fish-watcher. "Ever since Orangejello died, things just sort of went downhill. TankKeeper did his best to carry on, but you could tell that a part of him had died, too."

To his eternal rest:Sonny dies in tragic skiing accident

Sonny died over the weekend while on holiday with his family in Aspen, Colorado. The sunburst platy was enjoying some time on the slopes when he skiied head-first into a tree late Saturday night. He died before emergency crews could reach him.

Sonny's owner, Sheri Hart, learned of her fish's death by overhearing a report on inter-office radio.

"I cannot believe the world is without Sonny," Sheri said through body-racking sobs."He was such a big part of our lives. I know it is true but I'm never really going to accept it. In all my years, I never met anyone like him. I will always love him."

Sonny was buried alongside his friends Aubrey and Orangejello at a hastily arranged funeral service (all events private).

In a related story, sale in Kleenex tissues went up today as soon news of Hart's tears reached Wall Street.

First anniversary goes by with a whimper

There were no parades. No bands. No sheetcakes. The first anniversary of our community aquarium came and went Saturday without so much as a single celebration.

"We discussed having a big celebration and the city planners were enthusiastic at first," said an unnamed tank official. "Then Aubrey died and the whole thing went sour. We just didn't have the heart to celebrate anything after that happened."

Freshwater Adventures has not received a single call or e-mail with regard to the anniversary, so it is assumed that the fish-watching population doesn't care to observe such an occasion.

"Perhaps they feel that it is counter-productive to celebrate our fish on one day when in reality we celebrate them every day," said thought meister William F. Buckley. "I consider it most undignified to offer garish parties and parades for our fish. I think modern fish-watching has gone beyond that."

Clown loach sues for right to divorce parent

The clown loach owned by Eric Jones is suing in Aquarium District Court for the right to divorce his sole guardian and parent, citing irreconcilable differences.

"My guardian has consistently proven himself unfit to be a parent," wrote the loach in his complaint, filed with the court on Tuesday. "He has embarassed me time and again and I must humbly beg the court to find him unfit to be a fish guardian."

The court papers are sealed, so Freshwater Adventures is unable to reveal the underlying causes of this action.

The clown loach will appear before the court early next week to plead his case. Also expected to testify -- a chinchilla under Jones' care. Jones could not be reached for comment.

And then there was one:Frozone only fish who's been here all along

Frozone, the plucky glass catfish who joined our community aquarium on inauguration day nearly one year ago, now has the distinction of being the only fish to have been in our aquarium since the very first day -- April 15, 2005.

"He's an enigma in a lot of ways," said TankKeeper of the fish who has thrilled fish-watchers since day one. "There is a lot we don't know about Frozone even now."

The glass catfish are known as solitary creatures but Frozone appears to have no trouble making friends and schooling with other fish of various sizes and origins.

"I can remember when we first got him," said Nourisha Wells, who owns the fish. "He would hide by the filter output spout or among the plants. We were afraid in those early days that he wasn't getting his share of food. Today he's the healthiest fish we have!"

A trio of glass catfish were added to the tank last fall, but only two survive today, including Frozone. There was a period of time last summer when tank officials feared that Frozone was dead.

"He gave us quite a scare," said TankKeeper, "but in the end we found him alive and well. He hides better than any fish we've ever encountered in these waters."

Ceremonies marking the first anniversary of the community aquarium will center around a celebration of Frozone's longevity. Coverage of the ceremonies will be carried live on all networks.

Frozone became the only surviving pioneer fish with the death Monday of marble molly Aubrey. Other pioneer fish who preceded Aubrey in death include Irwin the Bala Shark, Frank Platt, Whino the loach, Darf the black molly, Toby the catfish, Coral and Fatty Arbuckle.

TiVo offers look at fish TV viewing habits

A recent examination of the TiVo machine inside our community aquarium revealed that our fish spent a great deal of time watching Animal Planet documentaries and TBS mocudramas such as The Beastmaster.

"When we started going through the list of favorite shows we were surprised by a few of the trends," said an unnamed tank official. "For instance, we never would have suspected that our fish are such big fans of Gilmore Girls. Who would've thought it?"

Animal Planet shows such as Top 10 Most Dangerous Predators and When Animals Attack IV were among the most-viewed shows recorded in the TiVo system.

Tank officials weren't surprised by the nature-related programming choices, but the number of TBS movie presentations that were in the registry stunned officials.

"I cannot understand what these fish find so appealing about The BeastMaster and Dirty Dancing," TankKeeper said. "These fish can't dance and they certainly couldn't wield a sword. The consequences of either action would have catastrophic results. I suppose that might be part of the appeal -- that they can at least watch things they can never do themselves."

Matriarch of fish kingdom dies suddenly;world's largest molly remembered fondly

An era has ended. Aubrey the marble molly, the matriarch of our freshwater aquarium, died today of natural causes.

The fish, known internationally as the world's largest marble molly, died suddenly and without any apparent signs of trauma or distress. Funeral services were hastily arranged in accordance with her wishes, according to a source close to the family.

"She was a fish with a tremendous sense of dignity," the source said. "She knew that she had a special place in the hearts of all fish-watchers, and when the time came, she didn't want to keep her maker waiting."

Aubrey was introduced to our community aquarium on its opening day nearly a year ago -- on April 15, 2005. Of all the pioneer fish, today only Frozone the glass catfish (owned by Nourisha Wells) remains alive. Aubrey's friend, Coral the marble molly, was owned by Andrea Turner and died just a few weeks after joining the aquarium.

"Aubrey was a special fish who brought a special grace to our community," said George the Silver Dollar. "She was the world's largest molly, and her heart was even bigger than her body. We are so sad to lose her but at the same time proud to have known her."

Terri Spears, who owned and took great pride in Aubrey, was notified of her fish's death by telegram this afternoon and decined to be interviewed. Family members say she is bearing her grief as well as can be expected.

"She was a mother to all who knew her, and a pillar of strength to a community so often challenged by circumstance and sorrow," TankKeeper said in a eulogy broadcast throughout the kingdom. "With a tear for the past, and hope for the future, we say goodbye to Aubrey today. May the hope she gave to all of us live on through those who knew and loved her."

Other pioneer fish who preceded Aubrey in death include Irwin the Bala Shark, Frank Platt, Whino the loach, Darf the black molly, Toby the catfish, Coral and Fatty Arbuckle.